The Truth About Me

So lately I've been trying to get myself back in the blogging habit. I really miss it, writing is an amazing outlet and helps me to find my voice when I can't make sense of my thoughts. It's also brought forth some incredible friendships, which has been awesome.

I bought myself a pretty new blog design, I've made more of an effort to get posts up semi-frequently, and I've been trying to redo my "About Me" section. I need to redo all my pages at the top, because my life is not beauty-full or crafty anymore, but I want to focus on the About Me page. That's where I click first when I visit new blogs so I thought it needed an update.

The thing is, I can't quite figure out what to write. I've been a mom now for 11 months (tomorrow) and I'm finally coming out of a kind of newborn fog, turned busy summer, turned pouty fall because I felt so sorry for myself.

I'm finally feeling normal again but motherhood does something to you. It's very humbling but also eye-opening to reality. There is no hiding anything. It's the most real thing I've ever experienced.

In this very real time in my life, these are the things that come to mind when I try to think of what to write "about me":

• I usually forget to pay my credit card bill. It's a really (really) bad habit, and I have reminders set, see the emails, and still just forget. Luckily I don't put much money on it, otherwise it would get ugly fast. Anyways, I'm working on this. 
• I'm 25 years old and I still don't know what it's like to just be me. I envy people who are so comfortable in their own skin. I don't know if it stems from moving so much when I was growing up or just a lack of confidence, but I feel like I have to morph into someone else depending who I'm around. Be gentle and sweet around the meek type, be loud and funny around the boisterous type. I hate that. I'm seriously praying and working on it, and also on figuring out just who I am.
• I do not look cute very often. I'm a stay at home mom, and not one of the ones who wakes up before the baby, puts on new clothes, and a little bit of make up to freshen up. I wake up after my baby's been crying for long enough, brush my teeth with him in my arms, and usually wear the same ponytail and pajamas I slept in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. You better warn me before you stop by because I probably haven't put a bra on yet.
• I don't think I'm a very good friend. I really love having close friendships, I thrive off that intimacy. I just don't feel like I'm good at being that friend! Love me through it..
• I like to be surrounded by people. I love when my house is full of friends, family, acquaintances, etc.
• My house is ALWAYS messy. I don't get it. I promise I do pick up and clean. It's just a mess all.the.time.
• I'm soooo hard on myself. Like, in all aspects of life. It's hard for me to admit or accept when I am actually doing well at something. A few months ago, I started using Young Living Essential Oils, and subsequently became a distributor. I am having serious financial success with these, yet each month I think, "I'm probably done. Anyone who would want some EOs has already bought them, so this is the month that it ends." Well thank you friends, because this has yet to happen. As hard as it is for me to say, I'm doing really well with this! And honestly, the best part is, these oils are dramatically helping people and their families with their health! *pat myself on the back*
• I have learned more about LOVE in the last 11 months than in my entire life. I understand when people say "Jesus can never love you any more or any less than he does. He just loves you." I get it now. I get why my parents did so much for us. You just do. You just love them.
• I usually have good intentions. With my words, with my actions, whatever. I have good intentions. My biggest frustration is when people assume I have bad/mean intentions. I don't. 
• I'm really good at talking about things. Talk about them all the ding dong day. Doing them? Not so much. :)

And there ya go. I'll wait awhile before re-writing my About Me section so as not to scare anyone away :) Also, I went and paid my credit card before publishing this post. Phew.

Bennett's First Halloween!

Most people don't know this about my hunk of a husband, but he's actually a real live cowboy. He even has a degree in cowboy. Like for reals. 

Anyways, when I saw this little costume I just COULD NOT pass it up! I thought I would do something clever and/or creative but this little moo-cow just takes the cake :)

and he's off.. this baby is just not into sitting still anymore!!

Our October

This October was a whirlwind. It started off with a lovely visit with my inlaws, followed unexpectedly by saying goodbye to my adored grandpa, "papa", and ended with Zach and I making some big decisions and learning a lot about ourselves.

Bennett with his Nana! We love you Nana :)

my sweet punkin :)

Our sweet little family! (yes the sun was in our eyes)

Bennett was all tuckered out after having fun at Bates Nut Farm.

Our family! At the most delish restaurant - Point Loma Seafood 

I seriously love this face.

My grandpa had a heart attack so Bennett and I quick boarded a plane the next day so I could get up there to say goodbye. It was incredibly hard, incredibly emotional, and I really don't have the words to write about it yet. I LOVED my Papa, have some of my favorite memories with him. It really hasn't sunken in that he is gone. 

My beautiful grandparents. I rest in the peace of knowing they are both in heaven - with Jesus - and hopefully hand in hand with one another :)

Bennett thought that playing the piano was REALLY fun!

Z & I had some big decisions to make but decided to stay where we are and work on ourselves. We have made personal goals to better ourselves. Mine include getting outside each day, doing devotions each day, and not letting myself believe negative self-talk. So far I'm doing alright with them!

I also embarked on an oily business journey, which you can definitely expect to hear more about :)

Our September

September was a busy one! We've had lots of visits from family, which were wonderful. It was still really warm on the mountain, and even warmer in town.

Oh, and I went to ELLEN!! My lovely friend Julie invited me to go to the premiere with her, and it was amazing.

 

Front row!! Which wasn't as cool as we thought, since we were RIGHT next to the audience manager and producers, we weren't really on camera at all. And all the camera were right in front of us so we couldn't see Ellen for a lot of it, BUT that's totally ok because we were still there!!!

 

Thanks, Aunt Ellen for the 50" TVs!!

 

And this was the one time we were on screen. Julie's excited and my hair and make up look pretty good ;-)

 I love when Zach's parents visit! We get to spend lots of quality time at home, they play with Bennett so I can sleep in, my father in law does projects around our house (score!) and I get to chit chat with my wonderful mother in law. It's the best. This time we went to Carlsbad after church and walked along one of the beaches. It was so pretty!

 

My mama and aunt Mimi came to visit for a long weekend. It was so good to have them. So so so good. We went apple picking in Julian, walked around and bought fun gifts, and rode the zipline at camp! And, of course spent the majority of the time just playing with Bennett :)

 

 

And my cute fall wreath that's on our door :)

September was such a good month. Any time with family is my favorite time!!

[Bennett Clark] 9 months

Ahh 9 months old. This was a hard one for me. Maybe because its 3/4 the way to a year, maybe because 9 months just sounds BIG to me. I still feel like you're my newborn baby, and yet all the other babies around us are now smaller and newer than you. We've learned a lot together!

At your check-up you were 18.5 lbs and 29 inches (I think...). I lost the paper that tells us, but I know you were around 40th percentile for weight -- WOOHOO! -- and 60th for height, and 75th for head circumference. I knew you were smart ;)

Playing with the doctor's stool while we were waiting for him.

You eat A LOT, and chew on everything! You eat about half food and half formula now. Every bite you take you say "mmmm" which is adorable. Your favorites are apples, blue berries (which are sadly out of season and hard to find), avocado, and sweet potatoes. You still have not had any meat, simply because I can't do pureed meat and you don't have enough teef for shredded or ground meat yet.

chewing on the table at chick-fil-a

you ate two whole pickles without even wincing.

You drool a lot. Like a leaking faucet. You love your binky. And you're just as sweet as you can be. I love how happy you make people :)

The best thing ever happened this month, you started saying MAMA!!! I can't even describe how happy it makes me to hear you say it! Over and over again "mamamamamamamamamama" I just love it.

You are super strong and super fast. You love to look at us and then crawl away really fast while giggling. It's a-dor-a-ble. You also love to be held. When you want up, you crawl over to us, stand up, and start bouncing up and down. Also a-dor-a-ble.

You got your first haircut this month, and it turned out really cute! However, you didn't make it a very easy photo oppurtunity:

It's ok. I forgive you. Little man, it's an absolute joy to be your mama. I pray that you remain strong-willed, and use it to be an example to others. That you would grow up and love the Lord. You would cling to what's good. You would be strong, courageous, and kind. I love you Bennett baby. xoxoo, Mama
ps. please oh please, just SLEEP!!

[Bennett Clark] 8 Months

It breaks my heart how behind I've gotten with blogging! Each month I let other things stop me, like not having the right pictures uploaded or needing to laundry and dishes during naptime. Well, the laundry is a-washing and the dishes are a-soaking and I've got lots and lots of pictures to share! (oh blogging... you bring out the cheese in me.)

I have lists in my phone of all his little accomplishments from 4-6 months and then at 7 months I guess I just thought I'd remember. WRONG. So we'll start at 8 months and go from there.

Bennett.

You are the absolute sweetest. You light up the room when you smile. I've heard more than a handful of people tell me you should be in modeling. More than a handful of people say, "I usually don't like babies but I am so fond of him!" You truly are a little charmer. You are an easy-going, full of joy, cuddly, busy-body, always hungry, ultra ticklish little guy. You don't miss a beat, you're very observant like your mommy and daddy.

You LOVE to play with your kitties! They are so patient with you, too. You like to grab their tails and you think they're playing a game of keep away with you, but I think they're actually trying to wave you away. Regardless, you get the best belly laugh when you're playing with them!

We've come up with a way to corral you into the living room by moving the ottoman to block the way out, and we call it baby jail. You know. If someone isn't in jail with you you do.not. like it. It's pretty convenient though, and all your toys are in here! You are obsessed with stealing the remotes, cell phones, and papers off of the couch though. We have given you your own remote, but you're a smart little guy who knows that's not the one we are using :) Your favorite toy is a wooden spoon.

You are a  super fast, strong crawler, and love to be standing up (while holding on to someone or something). You can even walk along the couches, too! I cannot believe how big you are getting, and soo quickly. Just a few months ago we were celebrating that you grab something you were looking at, and now you are walking around the furniture. I love to watch you grow and develop but I miss your tiny sleepy snuggles!

You got your first two teeth this month! There is no better way to describe that process than H-E-L-L. When it was naptime, you would stand in your crib and scream for up to an hour before I would give up and just lay down with you so you would sleep. Same thing at night, you would cry and cry and cry and finally we'd bring you in our bed and let you sleep there. When I finally realized why my angel baby was acting this way, and got you some Advil in your system, it helped immensely! Then two little teefs popped out in the bottom of your mouth, and as if you weren't cute enough already, you got 10x cuter. Didn't even know that was possible.

Your daddy loves playing with you when he is home, and you LIGHT UP when he comes through the door! It's my favorite to watch!

We love you so much little man. Now please let us sleep at night?

xox, Mama

Refine my Heart

Sometimes I ask God to refine my heart, or to make me more like him. What does that even mean? It sounds like a simple prayer. Lately I've been learning that it isn't so simple. A few weeks ago I texted two friends that I felt like I was completely falling apart. One responded, "that's ok, sometimes you have to be broken in order to know how to put the pieces back together correctly" and the other responded, "because God wants us to be more like him and he has to break us to refine us. i wish the answer was easier and simpler." (yes, i have some pretty cool friends)

I do struggle with depression and I have this awful notion that I have to be "good enough." In lots of aspects of my life I don't feel good enough (I've written about this before). When I feel broken or sad or like a mess, my first instinct is to curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself. which usually helps nothing.

It's in these times that lies from Satan creep in. and it's in these times that I let them. I let myself believe them. and then it makes it worse. its an awful tornado of lies, belief, sadness, despair, and hopelessness. I know during these cycles the Holy Spirit tries to whisper to me, but with all the "noise" surrounding me, I don't hear it. When I fill my life with gossip, negativity, and fleshly desires, there is no room for the Holy Spirit to be heard. It's in these times that i need God most, that I tend to push him away most.

all these pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones make life difficult to deal with sometimes, especially since I tend to have depression anyways. My depression shows up in irritability and laziness for the most part. and then when I've been lazy for awhile, I start believing the lie of I'm not good enough again. If I were good enough, I'd get up off the couch and be a better mom, wife, friend, etc.

So what am I missing here? I'm missing the grace and forgiveness of Jesus, friends.  I googled, "what is grace" and google says: the free and unmerited favor of God. 
Free.
Unmerited.

Mind blowing, really, that Jesus offers us FREE, UNMERITED favor and we miss it, forget it, don't let it in. Let Him in. Back to my original point (sorry.. been awhile since I blogged, I'm long winded), I have been asking God to refine my heart. And he has been, because He is a God who answers prayers. This refining, though? It's painful. I'm learning a lot about myself that I don't particularly care for. I'm glad that my eyes are being opened to these things though, so I can change them. 

I'm going through a bible study called Stuck - which is amazing by the way - and this week's lesson is about being broken. In the video, she narrates the lesson while you watch a potter form clay on a wheel. It was in that instance that it clicked. In the bible, we are compared to clay so often but it just didn't click til then. I am asking God to refine me and make me new. In order to do that, he needs to break me down and put me back together correctly, JUST like a potter with clay. 

But what I need to remember, is that when I'm broken, I'm not STUCK laying in a heap of pieces. As I 
learn and grow, I'm being formed again, more like Christ, in his likeness. He is making me new, better, and in my mind I think "shinier and prettier".. but maybe that's just because I like glitter.

So as I pray these words, "Lord, refine me", I am learning more and more of what that really means, and also what it looks like. I might not be pretty in the meantime but I'm so excited for how he is so 
carefully molding me.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10