Finding Joy

*aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

That's my sigh of relief. The summer season at camp is over and we're back to only having guest groups in on the weekends. This means no more working weeknights, getting woken up by singing or screaming campers at midnight, etc. Back to the simplicity I love so much about living in the mountains :)

It has been a hugely blessed summer here, and I've had a blast working in the office. I've had the pleasure of meeting some truly touching people who have come to stay here. I've also been challenged and stretched in ways I never have before. Things I can't write about in the open, which is why I've been absent here. It's hard to keep blogging pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's really not. This season of life has been one of the hardest, and there were days when I literally wanted to give up & quit. But I didn't, I kept going, I kept praying and you know what? I made it. And I feel refreshed. And I feel stronger because I leaned into the Lord for strength when I knew I didn't have any of my own left.

I'm not saying I did this with the most grace, because I certainly am a whiner. That is something I am working on :) Through all the struggles I've faced this summer, one huge blessing has been the summer staff office help: Joyann. She is the most gracious, gentle, and kind spirit I think I've ever met. It's been HUGE for me to be able to sit next to her every day and see her example of holding her tongue, always keeping a positive attitude, and giving such Godly encouraging advice.  God truly blessed me by having the privilege of working with her day in and day out. That or He really wanted me to learn to be more like Him. Joyann is one of the most Christ-like people I've known and seriously, I can't put to words what her example has meant to me. I've learned a lot this summer from her, and just from being herself.

Throughout the challenges I've faced this summer, I've also been emotionally different. Pregnancy is hard. I haven't felt 100% in five months, I finally got over being sick and now I can't sleep through the night, I'm sensitive, and to top that all off I tend to be passive aggressive. At work I feel the need to hold that all in and keep a smile on my face. When coworkers offend or irritate me I just look away and take a deep breath; when guests are pushy or rude, I smile and offer ways to come to a solution.

It's exhausting. I don't want to ignore coworkers who bother me, I want to yell at them. I don't want to offer helpful solutions to guests who are rude to me, I want to tell them to figure it out themselves if they're so unappreciative. But instead, I hold it all in for eight hours and then when my sweet husband picks me up he gets the whole day of frustration poured out on him. I hate that I do that. It's not Christlike. It's not respectful. It's not encouraging.

It hurts my heart when I am impatient with Zach. Sweet Zach who loves me no matter what and hugs me when I'm yelling at him for no reason. So I've been trying to find ways to relieve that tension at the end of the days. I'm incredibly blessed to live in the woods where there are so many places to go, and also to live at a camp that has a herd of horses.

This week after work, I headed up to the barn and helped our wrangler feed the horses. AKA I stood in the back of a flat bed truck and threw hay into the pastures. And you know what, I haven't been that happy in a long time. Something about being outside, feeling the fresh air on my skin, hearing the horse noises when they see the truck coming & they are so excited.

When I came home on Monday evening after feeding, I was smiling, laughing, had energy. Zach even said "wow, I haven't seen you in this good of a mood in a long time." So on Thursday, my day off, I came up to help lead arena rides for a special needs group we had in last week. I spent two hours walking in circles, leading these adults around the arena on horseback. It was so.much.fun.

Sometimes I'm overly tired, sometimes I'm emotional, sometimes I feel depressed, sometimes I get unnecessarily cranky. Always, God is enough. Always, He provides a solution. Always, He leads me to where I can find joy.

On Growth

You may recognize this post from Meg's blog a few weeks ago, but I wanted to share on my little blog too..

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This spring, I decided to learn how to garden. I bought a few plants, easy ones, just pansies and alyssum to start out. My sweet husband made me an awesome planter box out of some wood we salvaged from an old dresser. One of the ladies here at camp has a beautiful garden, so I asked her to help me plant my flowers and teach me how to take care of them. This time, I really wanted to keep those plants alive.  



www.carolinefontenot.com



So she taught me how much to water them and how often, she taught me how to cut them down after they bloom, and she taught me how to plant them with enough space and deep enough down that the roots get all the water they need.

After a few weeks, I knew I needed to "dead-head" (trim the spent blooms off) and I found myself not wanting to. I didn't want to cut away pieces of my precious plant, in fear I would ruin it. So I stared at my flowers, and at the dead ones that needed to be cut off, and I made myself do it. 

I started thinking and realized I do this with a lot of things in my life. I don't want to remove the parts that are finished. I'm afraid of letting things go that aren't necessarily what they once were to me. 

But you know what, after I dead-headed those flowers, the plant looked fresh. It wasn't cluttered with dead blooms and the live ones had room to reach closer to the sun.

It made me realize that this is sometimes what  God asks us to do, to remove parts of our lives that are spent so that the new, alive parts can reach Him better. I need to be more prepared and willing to get rid of the things that are just cluttering my life with dead leaves per se, and allow the new parts of me to feel fresh. To feel alive. And to have a way cleared for them to blossom. 

God promises us that he renews our hearts, and that when we ask for forgiveness our slates are wiped clean. What are you allowing yourself to hang on to that is cluttering the newness in your life? Allow yourself to move on, to make a fresh day for yourself. I bet you'll feel a lot better when you do :)

this baby in my tummy

being pregnant is a funny thing. i mean i know there's a baby in there, although a very small one, but it's really hard to actually believe it. i've been focusing on being sick, being tired, being cranky -- because those are "touchable" things. I feel them, see them, taste them. i think a part of me is really, really afraid of having a baby. part of it is the fear of loss. what if something happens between now and January? what if something happens after then? if I allow my heart to love this baby, admit it's there, i fear that i will lose it. every time I get a tiny cramp my heart drops.

anyways, i was thinking about it yesterday & i want to make sure i don't seem ungrateful. i've posted a few statuses on facebook about feeling like the life is being sucked out of me (which it kind of is) and being sick all the time (which I am) -- but I want to focus on this tiny life inside of me instead of how I feel. because this time, it's just not about me. its about this baby. our baby. not someone elses, but mine. mine to love, to teach, to grow, to discipline. to shape into the best person it can be. the truth is, i am so grateful. this is something i have wanted my entire life, and in the most recent years & months i've even dreamt about. i long to know this child, to snuggle it and hold it and let it need me. i'm so afraid of that never happening; i'm allowing fear to hold my instead of love. i need to let myself love the life in my tummy.

i'm so thankful for this little baby. i'm thankful that without much thought or effort, the stick said "Pregnant" the first time i peed on it. nowadays, that is definitely not always the case.

i'm learning how not to live in fear, how to allow myself to love this baby without meeting it, even with the chance i may never meet it on this earth. i trust Him though, no matter what happens. and with Him i have hope that i will indeed get to hold this baby in my arms in just a few months.

oh sweet baby, see the turmoil you're already causing in my brain? we've got a long road ahead of us...

and i can't wait to see where it takes us =)

my tiny 10 week belly



How Are You Spending Your Time?

If you are new here, welcome! I get excited every time I see a new GFC friend, and I like to get to know y'all :)

My husband Zach and I are blessed to be able to call "work" living and serving at a Christian camp in the mountains of San Diego. One of the many amazing parts of this being our jobs, is that once a week we get together as a staff and have devotions & prayer. It is so incredible to work somewhere that people can stop their busy days and sit together to worship our amazing God.

Last week's message really spoke to me. Well actually a few of them lately have really spoken to me and I hope I can get them into words on here soon. 

Teach us to number our days,
   that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

First we broke down how many seconds in a minute, to how many minute a day, to how many hours in a year. I liked that since I am such a visual, literal person. Then we filled out a pie chart with 24 slices, 1 hour in each, and filled in where we spent our days. Sleep 11-7, get ready 7-7:45, work 8-4:30... then what? This is where it got convicting. 

I will be the first to admit I really put the important things on the backburner first. I hate that about myself and it'd be the first thing I would change if I could. I have 5-7 hours of "me time" each afternoon. To do whatever I please with! And that's just on work days!

Next we did a little comparison.. these are based on if you lived for 75 years. My friend Mike calculated if you spent 3 hours a day on the computer [especially for us bloggers], in a lifespan of 75 years you would have spent 9.4 years of your life on the computer! If you have a hobby you spend 1 hour per day on, thats a little over 3 years of your life doing just that activity. 

Here's what gets me... most people spend less than 2 hours a week with God. Thats 1 hour for church and 1 hour spread throughout the rest of the week. Two hours a week for 75 years = 225 days which is less than a year of your life with God. 

Now people brought up the argument that everything you do should be for God's glory so then you would be giving all of your time to God. This IS a a valid point, but not really the point of the exercise.

I couldn't believe these numbers [ again being the literal person I am, I take this very seriously, haha!]. I spend how many hours a week reading blogs? How many hours reading tweets? How many hours watching TV? And.. how many hours do I spend with God?

Not enough.

That's the simple truth. I often think, "I should do my bible study" and then pick up my phone instead. And then I wonder why I do this. I hate it. When I do have a quiet time, I am so refreshed and left yearning for so much more. If I feel that way, then WHY do I resist it so much? 

I reached out to my friend Ashley and she made a really funny but really great comparison [which I wont post here but Ill email you if you want to know :)] and basically boiled down to this:

 It doesn't matter how I feel. God deserves my time, every day. He deserves my praise. He deserves my priority. He is worthy. He is faithful. And He is always waiting for me.

She Went Home

To start out this post, I just need to admit that I literally have the most amazing family in the world. Both my parents have lots of siblings; I have five uncles, and seven aunts. And tons of cousins. The best part is that at our wedding, you couldn't tell who was from which side of the family, everyone was dancing and laughing together. This weekend reminded me just how blessed I am to be a part of a family like this, where all 5 of my grandparent's kids jumped on planes to be with my grandpa in the days after my grandma's passing.

My High School Graduation. June 2006

Anger is a funny emotion. It sneaks up even when you don't understand why you are feeling angry. That's kind of where I am with my grieving right now. When I see things around my house that remind me of her, get a sweet text, or a sympathy card in the mail [don't get me wrong -- I so appreciate these] I simply feel anger that I am receiving these. I don't want to have to receive these. I just want my Mana back.

My Mana & Uncle Mark at our wedding. July 2011

My parents were already scheduled to visit us Friday night til Tuesday afternoon. We had plans to hang out at camp and down in San Diego as well. Obviously, things changed and we headed to Yuma bright & early (5 am) Saturday morning. When we drove into the RV Resort that my grandparents live at, it was so painful. We had just spent Thanksgiving down there staying in my grandparents' fifth wheel and I just can't quite swallow the fact that my energetic, seemingly healthy grandmother would not be there, that day or ever again. I still am just grasping to memories, wondering how this could have happened so quickly, missing her so much.

We brought our kittens to Yuma; Thanksgiving, 2011.

I am incredibly blessed that my grandma was so immersed in my life. Although she wasn't one to call often, I always knew that she cared about the details. I am the oldest grandchild on my mom's side, and for some reason this always gave me special privileges. The fact that I always included her in little things helped too. I know my grandma wanted to be a part of all the things in our life, but I don't think she knew how to reach out to us grandkids. Maybe fear of rejection, maybe just uncomfortable. It doesn't matter though. One of my first memories of this was in the 7th grade, my grandparents had come down during Halloween weekend and my mom and grandma came with us trick or treating. I'm an affection girl, always have been; and after 5 or so houses running with my friends, I turned around and gave my Mana a big hug and said, "I'm so glad you came with us!" and ran back up with my friends. The next day Mana could not stop talking about how special that was to her; even though I was having fun with all my friends I still let her know I was so glad she was there too. That's just how I am though. I was 12 then, and ever since, I have made a point to let her know how special she is to me.

Our Wedding, July 2011

At my bachelorette party last spring, some friends and I went wine tasting and then back to my parents' house for gifts and appetizers. [side note, I didn't even know we did gifts at bachelorette parties until my own! score! good thing mine was first, or I'd be really embarrassed when I showed up empty handed to friends'] So we get home and start opening gifts - which, by the way, is very uncomfortable for modest little Katie over here - and when I opened a floral ruffly backless top, my grandma says, in front of all my friends, "OOOH!! Can I borrow that for our cruise?!", and the room exploded with laughter!

Mana & Papa on their 50th anniversary cruise. October 2011.

Looking around my house I just can't stop thinking about her. She loved to spoil me, which is great, but now it is breaking my heart. From ruby earrings, to pink pajama pants & make up brushes, down to the marinade in my fridge, all her little gifts are making it impossible not to think of her. Last summer, I found a sweatshirt at Costco that I had to have. They didn't have my size in purple, so Zach and I were going to check three other Costco's in the area. Mana jumped in the backseat and drove around all afternoon with us, looking for that darn sweatshirt, totally content, just happy to spend time with us. Gosh I miss her already.

I've been told that just by being around us you can tell how close we are. My Mana was a special lady, that's for sure. I honestly considered her a friend, and I don't know how many people feel that way about their grandparents. I love her dearly. I will always love her & I look forward to the day we meet in heaven again. I know she'll be waiting for me with a big hug - arms open wide :)

Now that both my grandmas are in heaven, I've never been prouder to have my middle name. Suzanne Helen & Helen Jane -- I am Katherine Helen. I love my middle name, I wear it like a badge of honor. I pray I become half the woman that both these ladies were.

I love you, Mana. 

The Truth About Baby Fever

Soo... I didnt really have anything to write about since this is not a "health" blog and the only thing I can think about is this juice cleanse we are doing. We were planning to do it for 6 days and spent almost a hundred fifty dollars on fruits and veggies. Well, we're in day 2 and more than halfway through our veggies! Since our food is included in our pay.. we cant exactly afford to drop more than that per week, so we will be cleansing until we run out of veggies! Then we will continue to eat mostly clean. Until then.... I'm dreaming of oatmeal and triscuits and fish tacos. MMMMmmm....


Anyways. Zach and I are sitting on the couch right now, I am reading blogs and he was watching a documentary on cows. Yes my husband is obsessed with cows. He went to school for them (a real live cowboy), he names all the breeds when we drive past them, he quizzes me on whether they are "dairy" or "beef" cows, etc. He loves them. It's beyond me..

Anyways, the documentary got to the part about birthing and was showing all these cow births. At one point it showed a calf that had to be pulled out manually and it was super graphic and it ended up the calf was dead. And they showed it lying there. And I BURST into hysteric tears. And Zach laughed. Then I laughed. But I was still crying and I didn't know why! Then I realized why. Because I want a baby someday. And I might be naive in some things, but I know how common it is for pregnancies to go not 100% as planned, and frankly, that scares the bejeezus outta me. I am so fearful that when Zach & I decide to get pregnant we will either have a hard time conceiving at all, or once we do I will lose the baby. I don't know why this is such a fear but it is. I read a lot of blogs where women have lost their babies and it has given me insight to how that might feel and it sounds completely awful. 


A few weeks ago I read this post from Heather [Finding Beauty In The Ordinary -- awesome blog] and it spoke to me so much because I know that  is exactly how I will feel. I am a nervous wreck about most things, and I'm sure growing a human will be the worst of it. I pray that we will never have to experience this type of loss and I pray that no one I know will either.

I am sensitive. I love lots and when others hurt, I hurt too. When they showed the baby calf on the TV my heart hurt for the mama cow. Please don't judge me. I am just being real here. I know it sounds silly, but that is how I felt.

So the moral of my story is this. I need to learn to trust God. Even for the things in my future. He knows how much I want to be a mama, He knows how nervous it makes me and He knows Zach and I pray about 'when' all the time. I need to trust Him that His plans for my life are perfect. That He knows exactly what He's doing, and if we do have to endure heartache, it will be for His glory.

Source: achristianyoginisblog.com via Katie on Pinterest

Oh and by the way, Zach switched to watching cartoons after my little crying episode :)

Restoration

Today was a no good, very bad, terrible, awful day. But thankfully, we have a God that restores our hope.

Seriously, today was one of those days that just sucked. It started off with me not feeling well, then everything with my grandma just hit me and I was super emotional, work was SO busy -- and not feeling good and being emotional wasn't really helping all that at all. 

Rewind to last night. I was working on my quilt I am making for our nephew, and getting frustrated. None of my rows are lining up right and they are turning out all crooked and well basically no one else will ever notice. I am such a perfectionist that it was making me crazy! Then I was thinking about it in the shower (where I do all my best thinking) that it kind of pertains to my life. Not everything in my life always lines up just right. Sometimes things turn out a little lop sided. 

But that's just how life is. And that is why we need Jesus. On our own, we cannot straighten our paths or align things just right. We can't make it through a hard day without crying. 

Being a Christian doesn't mean things won't get hard. And it doesn't mean that you'll always be happy. It means that I have someone to lean on, someone who loves me 100%. He will never love me less, He will never love me more. And He cares about my heart, He knows my grandma is sick, He hears the crying out of my prayers.

He gives me energy to finish a hard day. He gives me hope in healing. He gives me a sunset each night that says just how much He loves me, and He loves you too.

Yes we suffer. But He sees that. And He restores us. He gives us that hope & a reason to trust Him. 

I thank God for restoring my heart, because I know I definitely couldn't walk through this life alone.

Photo from my coworker Michael Keleher

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Follow Friday & a Request for Prayer

I am loving Hollie's idea for Follow Friday blog version!


I'm a little uninspired to post anything today. You may have seen this tweet  from me yesterday... I found out yesterday that my grandma (I call her Mana -- like mama but with an 'n') has ovarian cancer. She has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and got to go home on Tuesday & I thought that meant everything was a-okay. I was heartbroken when my mom called yesterday to say the doctor's called with biopsy results that showed ovarian cancer. 
My dad's mom passed away from breast cancer, and Mana has had breast cancer too, so I am just praying that God will heal her! She is so young & active & plus, she said being a great-grandmother is on her bucket list. I am not ready to make you a great-grandma just yet, Mana! 
Mana is so strong, I know she will fight this will everything she has. I am just a little sad today. 
I am not posting this for sympathy, but to ask for prayer. Please pray for healing for my sweet grandma! Thank you, friends.
“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord. -Jeremiah 30:17

Here are my Mana and Papa, who've been married for over 50 years.
  I love you both so much and look up to you now that I am married. Thank you for supporting me through everything I've ever chosen to do, I love you dearly. Stay Strong Mana!!!
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And on a lighter note, don't forget to link up with Molly and me for Makeover Monday - Haircare edition! [my personal favorite] This coming Monday!

Worth the Four Minutes

"There's a problem if people only know you're a Christian by your Facebook"

Amazing Grace

Had to pop in for a quick post tonight.

Let me set the scene to about two hours ago:

Hubs & I are sitting on the couch, watching Parenthood [addicted. both of us.] and we hear something faint in the background. It sounds like.. singing? Zach says, "hey, pause this" and we open our window. Sure enough, the 100 college students that are staying at camp right now are sitting around the campfire that is about a football field away from our house and below us [we're on a steep mountain] and we hear them singing. Hymn after hymn after hymn. Everything else is completely silent. 

Today sucked. I'll be honest I pouted all day, didn't talk to many people, and avoided that dang question, "is everything ok?"that more than five people asked. I am ok. I'm fine, but I miss my family, my back/neck hurt really bad, and frankly I just didn't feel like working. So I hermit-ed a little. And emailed Hollie about my struggling and relying on God, while I didn't rely on God all day. Oops.

Yes my back hurts, and I'm tired, and I want to go to Seattle and see my peeps but you know what? I live on a mountain that overlooks the ocean. I get to wake up and see deer in my front yard. I get to see the sun set over the ocean every night. I am married to my best friend & he loves me the same even on my bad days.


And that singing, those hymns, just made me realize. That is what really matters. That God cares about us, that He loves me, He loves you, and He deserves our praise.

Sitting on my couch, looking into the black outside the window and hearing 100 voices singing to our God, was the most peace I've felt in months.

I love when I get those reminders from God to simplify, focus on the most simple of all things. Silence, stars in a black sky, and hymns of praise. Amen.

via
Taken from the mountain I live on.

Well Done

When it's your time to leave this world, what will people say about you?

Source: heartbeatoz.tumblr.com via Katie on Pinterest

Last night, I saw on Facebook that someone on Young Life staff had passed away. I didn't know him well, but I did work with him for a month about five years ago and remember him being a very genuine, vibrant, and witty man. He has two little boys and a beautiful wife who are still living, and my heart breaks for them. I cant imagine life without Zach anytime soon, especially if we had a family. I don't know them, but I am praying them.

What my heart doesn't break for, though, is the fact that this man is so undoubtedly in heaven. I was reading through what people had written on his facebook wall, lots of stories, memories, but mostly were countless young men and women, in high school or in college, or in their twenties leaving a note saying that this man had lead them to Christ. Without him standing up strong for what he believed in, and doing what God asks of all of us, to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth, it appears that hundreds of people would not know their Savior.

However, the post that stood out the most to me simply said, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

That's all; no story, no thank you.

This made me think, if I got cancer, was in a car accident, slipped on ice and fell into a coma, whatever... what would people say about me? When I get to the gates of heaven, what will God say about me?


Yes I work at a Christian camp, yes I led Young Life & mentored teenagers for two years, yes I invite my family to church often; but what about my thoughts? What about  my actions?

Source: 320sycamoreblog.com via Katie on Pinterest

The words in that quote are beyond meaningful. I know the only way to be preaching the Gospel without words, is to have my heart fully hidden in Christ (so filled with His love & compassion there is no room for my own selfishness). When I read the posts on this man's facebook wall, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that God must be pleased with him.

I can only pray that God is pleased with me too. I'm pretty dang good at talking the talk, putting on a happy face. But when we start talking real, I don't always know if my intentions are in the right place & I'll be the first to admit that my thoughts are not always pleasing in God's eyes.

A verse my favorite Marlene (my mentor) always reminds me is to "hold every thought captive to God". It took me awhile to grasp the meaning of this verse, but I think it's time to start remembering this every day.

Source: etsy.com via Katie on Pinterest

So by the death of a man who I barely knew, the Lord is speaking to me. I know He can speak to you too, if you'll listen.

These lessons aren't always easy, but I know its time for me to start thinking about my day to day life. Am I pleasing God? If today was my last day, do I think the Lord would say to me, "Katie, well done my faithful servant" ... maybe He would. Maybe I am too hard on myself. But I know have a lot of room to improve and grow.

My prayer will be that my life will be one that is worth someone saying Well done, good and faithful servant.