Anyways. Zach and I are sitting on the couch right now, I am reading blogs and he was watching a documentary on cows. Yes my husband is obsessed with cows. He went to school for them (a real live cowboy), he names all the breeds when we drive past them, he quizzes me on whether they are "dairy" or "beef" cows, etc. He loves them. It's beyond me..
Anyways, the documentary got to the part about birthing and was showing all these cow births. At one point it showed a calf that had to be pulled out manually and it was super graphic and it ended up the calf was dead. And they showed it lying there. And I BURST into hysteric tears. And Zach laughed. Then I laughed. But I was still crying and I didn't know why! Then I realized why. Because I want a baby someday. And I might be naive in some things, but I know how common it is for pregnancies to go not 100% as planned, and frankly, that scares the bejeezus outta me. I am so fearful that when Zach & I decide to get pregnant we will either have a hard time conceiving at all, or once we do I will lose the baby. I don't know why this is such a fear but it is. I read a lot of blogs where women have lost their babies and it has given me insight to how that might feel and it sounds completely awful.
A few weeks ago I read this post from Heather [Finding Beauty In The Ordinary -- awesome blog] and it spoke to me so much because I know that is exactly how I will feel. I am a nervous wreck about most things, and I'm sure growing a human will be the worst of it. I pray that we will never have to experience this type of loss and I pray that no one I know will either.
I am sensitive. I love lots and when others hurt, I hurt too. When they showed the baby calf on the TV my heart hurt for the mama cow. Please don't judge me. I am just being real here. I know it sounds silly, but that is how I felt.
So the moral of my story is this. I need to learn to trust God. Even for the things in my future. He knows how much I want to be a mama, He knows how nervous it makes me and He knows Zach and I pray about 'when' all the time. I need to trust Him that His plans for my life are perfect. That He knows exactly what He's doing, and if we do have to endure heartache, it will be for His glory.
Oh and by the way, Zach switched to watching cartoons after my little crying episode :)
12 comments:
These are real and normal fears! I often fear this in the future too..."What if I can't have kids? What if my husband wont be able to?" We just need to remember that God knows the desires of our hearts...and I believe that if we desire children, God will bring them to us...whether we birth them, adopt them.... Just know that hun!
Can I tell you that I can completely relate to your fears!?!?! We have to have faith in God and not let our fears ruin that joy we find in Him and rob us of the beauty in life. When God is ready for you and Zack to have a beautiful baby, He is going to calm your nerves and anxiety and something beautiful will transform. I just know it!!! xoxo
I'm so glad you posted this. I'm not even getting married for another 8 months... nor am I near being ready for a child... and I already have these fears! It's so good to know I'm not alone in that. Thanks for your honesty :)
I just stumbled on your blog this morning for the first time.. You had me laughing - cows, that was unexpected - and completely relating to you as you process through understanding God's timing.
Thanks for the encouragement today! :)
Hey girl I read this late last night before bed and wanted to read it again and comment this morning because I am right there with you. I feel like reading so many heart breaking stories of mis carrying, SIDs and losing babies on blogs just has me scared out of my mind. My mom had miscarriages and both of my grandmothers did and I know it is hereditary so that scares me too. My husband is doing a great job of helping me see the beauty in the fact that God has a plan and gives you stuff that you can handle. Right now I feel like I am surrounded by babies and pregnant friends that I am in full prayer for healthy babies. I pray that the Lord has lots of babies in our future and healthy babies. I am just trying to give all my worry to God because heck I'm not even pregnant yet! I was just talking about this with my bible study last night so it was almost a blessing that I read your post. I will pray for peace on this subject for you Katie girl! Love you!
My biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to have children. Seriously some days I was paralyzed in fear over it... Which is silly because we weren't even "trying". I finally just let go of it, and said "I was meant to be a mother" - and I was. I wasn't sure what that would look like for us, if it would mean I was crazy fertile (well, turns out yes I am) or if we would adopt (still might do this too), but I would. be. a. mother. I feel like this was a promise God spoke into my life, and if He put it so heavily on my heart, surely it would come to fruitation.
You will be a great mother. No, an amazing mother. But yes, you will be a mother, no matter what that looks like for you. I do feel like your heart is so sensitive and longing for this because it is something God has put on your heart - and He never fails us.
What a beautiful post. You sound like such an amazing person. I love your blog!
sean and i talk about that what happens if scenario when we decide of rather when God decides it is time to become parents. seriously emotions are not my friend so i don't know how i would be able to handle it. and i think it is adorable your husband is obsessed with cows
Great post and I love how honest you are. Honestly, these feelings are totally normal for all women and if they say it's not, I am willing to bet they aren't being honest with themselves. Ben and I "gave up preventing" and I didn't get pregnant for 6 months. Not that long but still, when you want something so badly it is easy to get discouraged. However, believing that God has a plan and knowing that He will come through is all we have. And, obviously He prevailed. Always be open with Zach and you two will do so well!
xoxo
Such wonderful truth =) The Lord knows our hearts desire & our fears. He doesn't give us those desires just to see us hurt =)
He is good!
Much Love,
L
(allglorious-within.blogspot.com)
First, I'm kinda happy for you guys that you're running out of food. Baby steps. Next time you can shoot for a longer cleanse. The fact that you did it for more than one meal is amazing.
Secondly, I cry at everything. Seriously. And while I probably would have been more grossed out by the guts of the mama cow I can totally understand why you cried. On a personal note I have severe endometriosis and have had 2 surgeries. I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant or carry to term. It's definitely very normal for us to be scared of that. But you shouldn't worry too much! I'm positive you will have a healthy pregnancy (when I does happen) and everything will be fine. :)
You remind me of a friend of mine; nervous nelly, waits a while before deciding it's the right time to have kids, and worried that something won't go as planned. We learned through my friend's experience who did have to enlist the help of a round of IVF to conceive that no matter what our plan is, God sees the whole picture and he will answer our prayers! She is now the mother to a beautiful one month old son and it's just awesome!! She worried her whole way through the pregnancy though :) Some things are hard to change ;) !!
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