Our October

This October was a whirlwind. It started off with a lovely visit with my inlaws, followed unexpectedly by saying goodbye to my adored grandpa, "papa", and ended with Zach and I making some big decisions and learning a lot about ourselves.

Bennett with his Nana! We love you Nana :)

my sweet punkin :)

Our sweet little family! (yes the sun was in our eyes)

Bennett was all tuckered out after having fun at Bates Nut Farm.

Our family! At the most delish restaurant - Point Loma Seafood 

I seriously love this face.

My grandpa had a heart attack so Bennett and I quick boarded a plane the next day so I could get up there to say goodbye. It was incredibly hard, incredibly emotional, and I really don't have the words to write about it yet. I LOVED my Papa, have some of my favorite memories with him. It really hasn't sunken in that he is gone. 

My beautiful grandparents. I rest in the peace of knowing they are both in heaven - with Jesus - and hopefully hand in hand with one another :)

Bennett thought that playing the piano was REALLY fun!

Z & I had some big decisions to make but decided to stay where we are and work on ourselves. We have made personal goals to better ourselves. Mine include getting outside each day, doing devotions each day, and not letting myself believe negative self-talk. So far I'm doing alright with them!

I also embarked on an oily business journey, which you can definitely expect to hear more about :)

Our September

September was a busy one! We've had lots of visits from family, which were wonderful. It was still really warm on the mountain, and even warmer in town.

Oh, and I went to ELLEN!! My lovely friend Julie invited me to go to the premiere with her, and it was amazing.

 

Front row!! Which wasn't as cool as we thought, since we were RIGHT next to the audience manager and producers, we weren't really on camera at all. And all the camera were right in front of us so we couldn't see Ellen for a lot of it, BUT that's totally ok because we were still there!!!

 

Thanks, Aunt Ellen for the 50" TVs!!

 

And this was the one time we were on screen. Julie's excited and my hair and make up look pretty good ;-)

 I love when Zach's parents visit! We get to spend lots of quality time at home, they play with Bennett so I can sleep in, my father in law does projects around our house (score!) and I get to chit chat with my wonderful mother in law. It's the best. This time we went to Carlsbad after church and walked along one of the beaches. It was so pretty!

 

My mama and aunt Mimi came to visit for a long weekend. It was so good to have them. So so so good. We went apple picking in Julian, walked around and bought fun gifts, and rode the zipline at camp! And, of course spent the majority of the time just playing with Bennett :)

 

 

And my cute fall wreath that's on our door :)

September was such a good month. Any time with family is my favorite time!!

[Bennett Clark] 9 months

Ahh 9 months old. This was a hard one for me. Maybe because its 3/4 the way to a year, maybe because 9 months just sounds BIG to me. I still feel like you're my newborn baby, and yet all the other babies around us are now smaller and newer than you. We've learned a lot together!

At your check-up you were 18.5 lbs and 29 inches (I think...). I lost the paper that tells us, but I know you were around 40th percentile for weight -- WOOHOO! -- and 60th for height, and 75th for head circumference. I knew you were smart ;)

Playing with the doctor's stool while we were waiting for him.

You eat A LOT, and chew on everything! You eat about half food and half formula now. Every bite you take you say "mmmm" which is adorable. Your favorites are apples, blue berries (which are sadly out of season and hard to find), avocado, and sweet potatoes. You still have not had any meat, simply because I can't do pureed meat and you don't have enough teef for shredded or ground meat yet.

chewing on the table at chick-fil-a

you ate two whole pickles without even wincing.

You drool a lot. Like a leaking faucet. You love your binky. And you're just as sweet as you can be. I love how happy you make people :)

The best thing ever happened this month, you started saying MAMA!!! I can't even describe how happy it makes me to hear you say it! Over and over again "mamamamamamamamamama" I just love it.

You are super strong and super fast. You love to look at us and then crawl away really fast while giggling. It's a-dor-a-ble. You also love to be held. When you want up, you crawl over to us, stand up, and start bouncing up and down. Also a-dor-a-ble.

You got your first haircut this month, and it turned out really cute! However, you didn't make it a very easy photo oppurtunity:

It's ok. I forgive you. Little man, it's an absolute joy to be your mama. I pray that you remain strong-willed, and use it to be an example to others. That you would grow up and love the Lord. You would cling to what's good. You would be strong, courageous, and kind. I love you Bennett baby. xoxoo, Mama
ps. please oh please, just SLEEP!!

[Bennett Clark] 8 Months

It breaks my heart how behind I've gotten with blogging! Each month I let other things stop me, like not having the right pictures uploaded or needing to laundry and dishes during naptime. Well, the laundry is a-washing and the dishes are a-soaking and I've got lots and lots of pictures to share! (oh blogging... you bring out the cheese in me.)

I have lists in my phone of all his little accomplishments from 4-6 months and then at 7 months I guess I just thought I'd remember. WRONG. So we'll start at 8 months and go from there.

Bennett.

You are the absolute sweetest. You light up the room when you smile. I've heard more than a handful of people tell me you should be in modeling. More than a handful of people say, "I usually don't like babies but I am so fond of him!" You truly are a little charmer. You are an easy-going, full of joy, cuddly, busy-body, always hungry, ultra ticklish little guy. You don't miss a beat, you're very observant like your mommy and daddy.

You LOVE to play with your kitties! They are so patient with you, too. You like to grab their tails and you think they're playing a game of keep away with you, but I think they're actually trying to wave you away. Regardless, you get the best belly laugh when you're playing with them!

We've come up with a way to corral you into the living room by moving the ottoman to block the way out, and we call it baby jail. You know. If someone isn't in jail with you you do.not. like it. It's pretty convenient though, and all your toys are in here! You are obsessed with stealing the remotes, cell phones, and papers off of the couch though. We have given you your own remote, but you're a smart little guy who knows that's not the one we are using :) Your favorite toy is a wooden spoon.

You are a  super fast, strong crawler, and love to be standing up (while holding on to someone or something). You can even walk along the couches, too! I cannot believe how big you are getting, and soo quickly. Just a few months ago we were celebrating that you grab something you were looking at, and now you are walking around the furniture. I love to watch you grow and develop but I miss your tiny sleepy snuggles!

You got your first two teeth this month! There is no better way to describe that process than H-E-L-L. When it was naptime, you would stand in your crib and scream for up to an hour before I would give up and just lay down with you so you would sleep. Same thing at night, you would cry and cry and cry and finally we'd bring you in our bed and let you sleep there. When I finally realized why my angel baby was acting this way, and got you some Advil in your system, it helped immensely! Then two little teefs popped out in the bottom of your mouth, and as if you weren't cute enough already, you got 10x cuter. Didn't even know that was possible.

Your daddy loves playing with you when he is home, and you LIGHT UP when he comes through the door! It's my favorite to watch!

We love you so much little man. Now please let us sleep at night?

xox, Mama

Refine my Heart

Sometimes I ask God to refine my heart, or to make me more like him. What does that even mean? It sounds like a simple prayer. Lately I've been learning that it isn't so simple. A few weeks ago I texted two friends that I felt like I was completely falling apart. One responded, "that's ok, sometimes you have to be broken in order to know how to put the pieces back together correctly" and the other responded, "because God wants us to be more like him and he has to break us to refine us. i wish the answer was easier and simpler." (yes, i have some pretty cool friends)

I do struggle with depression and I have this awful notion that I have to be "good enough." In lots of aspects of my life I don't feel good enough (I've written about this before). When I feel broken or sad or like a mess, my first instinct is to curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself. which usually helps nothing.

It's in these times that lies from Satan creep in. and it's in these times that I let them. I let myself believe them. and then it makes it worse. its an awful tornado of lies, belief, sadness, despair, and hopelessness. I know during these cycles the Holy Spirit tries to whisper to me, but with all the "noise" surrounding me, I don't hear it. When I fill my life with gossip, negativity, and fleshly desires, there is no room for the Holy Spirit to be heard. It's in these times that i need God most, that I tend to push him away most.

all these pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones make life difficult to deal with sometimes, especially since I tend to have depression anyways. My depression shows up in irritability and laziness for the most part. and then when I've been lazy for awhile, I start believing the lie of I'm not good enough again. If I were good enough, I'd get up off the couch and be a better mom, wife, friend, etc.

So what am I missing here? I'm missing the grace and forgiveness of Jesus, friends.  I googled, "what is grace" and google says: the free and unmerited favor of God. 
Free.
Unmerited.

Mind blowing, really, that Jesus offers us FREE, UNMERITED favor and we miss it, forget it, don't let it in. Let Him in. Back to my original point (sorry.. been awhile since I blogged, I'm long winded), I have been asking God to refine my heart. And he has been, because He is a God who answers prayers. This refining, though? It's painful. I'm learning a lot about myself that I don't particularly care for. I'm glad that my eyes are being opened to these things though, so I can change them. 

I'm going through a bible study called Stuck - which is amazing by the way - and this week's lesson is about being broken. In the video, she narrates the lesson while you watch a potter form clay on a wheel. It was in that instance that it clicked. In the bible, we are compared to clay so often but it just didn't click til then. I am asking God to refine me and make me new. In order to do that, he needs to break me down and put me back together correctly, JUST like a potter with clay. 

But what I need to remember, is that when I'm broken, I'm not STUCK laying in a heap of pieces. As I 
learn and grow, I'm being formed again, more like Christ, in his likeness. He is making me new, better, and in my mind I think "shinier and prettier".. but maybe that's just because I like glitter.

So as I pray these words, "Lord, refine me", I am learning more and more of what that really means, and also what it looks like. I might not be pretty in the meantime but I'm so excited for how he is so 
carefully molding me.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Home Organization

I had the pleasure of working with the Julie Minton of Simply Beautiful. My husband and I moved into our house when I was 8 months pregnant, and although our baby is now 7 months old, we just never took the time to fully move in. Julie came into our house and helped us make it our home. She was such a pleasure to work with, and really made the experience fun (never thought I would say that about cleaning and organizing!).

In our bedroom, we had unpacked boxes and piles of clothes that didn't fit, shoes, scarves, and belts spilling out of the closet, and a layer of dust covering all the clutter on our dressers.  In just a few hours, Julie had completely redone our closet, with only adding a couple of shoe racks and a basket for hats. It is now pleasing to look at rather than being a stressful to do list! She worked with what we had and created a nice reading nook in a corner of our bedroom that was previously full of boxes.

Downstairs was covered in a mess of mail, baby items, and unfinished projects.  Julie helped us to come up with better storage options to keep our things off the floor, a more aesthetic design for our bookshelves, and an awesome way to organize mail as it comes in. We were able to add a few decorative pieces because Julie used what we had for storage, my budget allowed for more fun items.

Not only was I left with a beautiful home, Julie was a joy to work with throughout. She was encouraging, supportive, never laughed at my horrible messes, and could tell when I was getting overwhelmed with everything. She took her time to make sure we were completely happy with the end results. She was very respectful of our (small) budget, and made sure we were able to accomplish everything we wanted to with the amount I gave her.

If you are looking for a little help with organization, decorating, rearranging, etc, I cannot recommend Julie enough! You won't be disappointed :)

Bennett Clark [7 months]

This is the perfect picture for this age! He is constantly flapping his arms around and so smiley!

This baby is on the move! He wants so badly to crawl, and gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth. Someone yesterday called it "revving his engine". He is a roley poley and can barrel roll across the room if he wants something. He loves kicking his legs at all times, and when he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and laughs!  He reaches for everything with his whole body, and gets frustrated when he can't reach! He prefers to be standing more than sitting, so he spends a lot of play time in the exersaucer and Johnny Jump-Up :)

Bennett's first beach trip. Swamis, Encinitas.

Bennett can say "dada," "mama," and "baba" (he came up with this on his own). He has quieter days, and days where he talks non stop. Those are my favorite :) He has the sweetest little voice. I absolutely love when I'm driving and the car is quiet and then out of no where I'll hear a high pitched squeal or coo or a low grunt (such a boy). My heart hurts with joy at his noises!

Smiling at his noises (pretend you can hear them)

Bennett is so easy going and independent. I have heard multiple times, "Does that baby ever cry?" and "you have such an easy baby!" I do consider us truly blessed, and I give all the glory to God for that. We prayed for his temperament while I was pregnant and the Lord answered our prayers so faithfully! He loves to play by himself or with other people, and if he is alone for awhile and someone comes to play with him, he will shriek with excitement! When we go to camp for meals, he generally just sits in his stroller and watches everyone. Such a good baby :)

GBC beach day. Moonlight Beach.

He still loves his binky! We have to make sure not to leave the house without one. At bedtime and naps, he gets a Wubbanub, so cool. He has a giraffe that his daddy named, "Ralphie". We are cloth diapering on days we're home, but if we are out and about all day I find it much easier to use disposables.

B & mama on my 25th birthday

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My handsome guys.

Bennett is a great little eater. He hasn't disliked anything yet, but his favorite food is definitely apples! He gets so excited. I've started signing "more" and "all done" but he just stares at me and giggles when I do it :) He eats food 2-3 times a day, and I'm pretty sure it's one of his favorite things.

His other favorite things are baths, naps, and kitties!

Hadley pretends she doesn't like Bennett, but she always ends up next to him.. :) He gets SO excited when she walks up to him!

Mini Dada :) With his yellow polo, khaki shorts, and the remote :)

Booty in the air! Cutest ever!

And the most adorable giggling Bennett video:

Sweet Bennett, you have taught me more about love, joy, patience, laughter, and perseverance than I ever thought there was to know. You make me a better person, because I want to be the best I can for you. You make me feel happiness I never knew existed, and fear that the greatest gift I've ever received  (you) will somehow be taken from me. You make my heart burst little man. I love you so much!

xoxo, your mama.