It's only been since March, but I still have felt tossed and turned like I was stuck in the current of ocean waves. Coming up for air then getting tossed and beaten around again. This last no we heard was the hardest one yet. We had instantly both felt connected with this mama when we read the email. Separately we felt in our hearts this was THE one. We weren't waiting on an email to see who she had chosen, we were waiting on a phone call saying she had chosen us. We were so sure. This was our daughter. And then the email came, she had chosen someone else.
Each no we've heard, I've allowed myself an entire day to grieve. I let go of the to do lists and just allow myself the space to feel that sadness and the loss of "what if". This time I felt it even more. And my wise friend asked me "what are you hearing about yourself when you hear no?" I realized I was hearing that I don't deserve the gift of adoption, of another brave mama choosing me to be the parent of her baby. That it was something I'd have to earn from God and He must not have enough gold stars on my chart yet. I must need to find something that He is waiting for me to do or grasp or give. And in that moment, I got it.
That is not who our God is. He isn't a God of achievements or check marks on a list. That is the entire point of the Gospel, of Christ coming down and dying for you and for me, so that we can have complete FREEDOM to live our lives with Him, instead FOR Him. To sit on the beach and watch the ebb and the flow of the waves, not be tossed by them and gasping for breath, because Christ has rescued us out of that turmoil. To breathe in His grace and stick our toes in the sand and realize: He is good in the whole journey. Not only once you can see how the story ends. Not when the baby is in your arms and you realize how intricately he designed your story all along. But in the waiting, in the no's, the but why's, and not yets. He is good now.
Yesterday, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (waking up with my 4 year old's feet in my back didn't help), was a little snippy and had a short fuse with the boys. My mom and sister came to pick me up to go cave-ing and hiking. For the record, I'm not a caver. :) Before we left, I went upstairs, kneeled down and asked the Lord to allow me to walk in His freedom through this wait. To find joy in the whole journey and to remember that He has already written our story, we only need to trust Him as we walk it out. So we went through a cave, went for a hike, watched beautiful water falls, and on the way back to the car I realized I hadn't thought about adoption the ENTIRE TIME! Such victory, considering every single moment after we know a mama has our book my stomach is either in a knot or I am praying for her as she makes the decision.
Our God is so sweet and He has already written your story too. Will you walk with me in the freedom we've already received from Christ? Even when you don't know the ending of the story?
