She Went Home

To start out this post, I just need to admit that I literally have the most amazing family in the world. Both my parents have lots of siblings; I have five uncles, and seven aunts. And tons of cousins. The best part is that at our wedding, you couldn't tell who was from which side of the family, everyone was dancing and laughing together. This weekend reminded me just how blessed I am to be a part of a family like this, where all 5 of my grandparent's kids jumped on planes to be with my grandpa in the days after my grandma's passing.

My High School Graduation. June 2006

Anger is a funny emotion. It sneaks up even when you don't understand why you are feeling angry. That's kind of where I am with my grieving right now. When I see things around my house that remind me of her, get a sweet text, or a sympathy card in the mail [don't get me wrong -- I so appreciate these] I simply feel anger that I am receiving these. I don't want to have to receive these. I just want my Mana back.

My Mana & Uncle Mark at our wedding. July 2011

My parents were already scheduled to visit us Friday night til Tuesday afternoon. We had plans to hang out at camp and down in San Diego as well. Obviously, things changed and we headed to Yuma bright & early (5 am) Saturday morning. When we drove into the RV Resort that my grandparents live at, it was so painful. We had just spent Thanksgiving down there staying in my grandparents' fifth wheel and I just can't quite swallow the fact that my energetic, seemingly healthy grandmother would not be there, that day or ever again. I still am just grasping to memories, wondering how this could have happened so quickly, missing her so much.

We brought our kittens to Yuma; Thanksgiving, 2011.

I am incredibly blessed that my grandma was so immersed in my life. Although she wasn't one to call often, I always knew that she cared about the details. I am the oldest grandchild on my mom's side, and for some reason this always gave me special privileges. The fact that I always included her in little things helped too. I know my grandma wanted to be a part of all the things in our life, but I don't think she knew how to reach out to us grandkids. Maybe fear of rejection, maybe just uncomfortable. It doesn't matter though. One of my first memories of this was in the 7th grade, my grandparents had come down during Halloween weekend and my mom and grandma came with us trick or treating. I'm an affection girl, always have been; and after 5 or so houses running with my friends, I turned around and gave my Mana a big hug and said, "I'm so glad you came with us!" and ran back up with my friends. The next day Mana could not stop talking about how special that was to her; even though I was having fun with all my friends I still let her know I was so glad she was there too. That's just how I am though. I was 12 then, and ever since, I have made a point to let her know how special she is to me.

Our Wedding, July 2011

At my bachelorette party last spring, some friends and I went wine tasting and then back to my parents' house for gifts and appetizers. [side note, I didn't even know we did gifts at bachelorette parties until my own! score! good thing mine was first, or I'd be really embarrassed when I showed up empty handed to friends'] So we get home and start opening gifts - which, by the way, is very uncomfortable for modest little Katie over here - and when I opened a floral ruffly backless top, my grandma says, in front of all my friends, "OOOH!! Can I borrow that for our cruise?!", and the room exploded with laughter!

Mana & Papa on their 50th anniversary cruise. October 2011.

Looking around my house I just can't stop thinking about her. She loved to spoil me, which is great, but now it is breaking my heart. From ruby earrings, to pink pajama pants & make up brushes, down to the marinade in my fridge, all her little gifts are making it impossible not to think of her. Last summer, I found a sweatshirt at Costco that I had to have. They didn't have my size in purple, so Zach and I were going to check three other Costco's in the area. Mana jumped in the backseat and drove around all afternoon with us, looking for that darn sweatshirt, totally content, just happy to spend time with us. Gosh I miss her already.

I've been told that just by being around us you can tell how close we are. My Mana was a special lady, that's for sure. I honestly considered her a friend, and I don't know how many people feel that way about their grandparents. I love her dearly. I will always love her & I look forward to the day we meet in heaven again. I know she'll be waiting for me with a big hug - arms open wide :)

Now that both my grandmas are in heaven, I've never been prouder to have my middle name. Suzanne Helen & Helen Jane -- I am Katherine Helen. I love my middle name, I wear it like a badge of honor. I pray I become half the woman that both these ladies were.

I love you, Mana. 

Restoration

Today was a no good, very bad, terrible, awful day. But thankfully, we have a God that restores our hope.

Seriously, today was one of those days that just sucked. It started off with me not feeling well, then everything with my grandma just hit me and I was super emotional, work was SO busy -- and not feeling good and being emotional wasn't really helping all that at all. 

Rewind to last night. I was working on my quilt I am making for our nephew, and getting frustrated. None of my rows are lining up right and they are turning out all crooked and well basically no one else will ever notice. I am such a perfectionist that it was making me crazy! Then I was thinking about it in the shower (where I do all my best thinking) that it kind of pertains to my life. Not everything in my life always lines up just right. Sometimes things turn out a little lop sided. 

But that's just how life is. And that is why we need Jesus. On our own, we cannot straighten our paths or align things just right. We can't make it through a hard day without crying. 

Being a Christian doesn't mean things won't get hard. And it doesn't mean that you'll always be happy. It means that I have someone to lean on, someone who loves me 100%. He will never love me less, He will never love me more. And He cares about my heart, He knows my grandma is sick, He hears the crying out of my prayers.

He gives me energy to finish a hard day. He gives me hope in healing. He gives me a sunset each night that says just how much He loves me, and He loves you too.

Yes we suffer. But He sees that. And He restores us. He gives us that hope & a reason to trust Him. 

I thank God for restoring my heart, because I know I definitely couldn't walk through this life alone.

Photo from my coworker Michael Keleher

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Follow Friday & a Request for Prayer

I am loving Hollie's idea for Follow Friday blog version!


I'm a little uninspired to post anything today. You may have seen this tweet  from me yesterday... I found out yesterday that my grandma (I call her Mana -- like mama but with an 'n') has ovarian cancer. She has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and got to go home on Tuesday & I thought that meant everything was a-okay. I was heartbroken when my mom called yesterday to say the doctor's called with biopsy results that showed ovarian cancer. 
My dad's mom passed away from breast cancer, and Mana has had breast cancer too, so I am just praying that God will heal her! She is so young & active & plus, she said being a great-grandmother is on her bucket list. I am not ready to make you a great-grandma just yet, Mana! 
Mana is so strong, I know she will fight this will everything she has. I am just a little sad today. 
I am not posting this for sympathy, but to ask for prayer. Please pray for healing for my sweet grandma! Thank you, friends.
“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord. -Jeremiah 30:17

Here are my Mana and Papa, who've been married for over 50 years.
  I love you both so much and look up to you now that I am married. Thank you for supporting me through everything I've ever chosen to do, I love you dearly. Stay Strong Mana!!!
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And on a lighter note, don't forget to link up with Molly and me for Makeover Monday - Haircare edition! [my personal favorite] This coming Monday!