The Zach Post

Pregnancy has changed a lot of things for me. Mentally, physically, emotionally... but it has also changed my perspective on things.

I take a lot for granted. Something/one huge I noticed this week is my husband. It dawned on me just how incredibly blessed I am to have him. Ever since we started dating, I have always noticed little things that make him "perfect" for me. Now that we've been together almost four years (wow, time flies), those little things are still true, and multiplying.

All too often lately I have trouble sleeping through the night, but more than not I find myself just so overwhelmed with love for Zach. It makes me feel like a big sap, but there have been moments lately where in the middle of the night I just squeeze him as hard as I can and thank the Lord for allowing us to be together.

I have days where I am soo grouchy and short with him, yet he still smiles at me and tells me how much he loves me.

Something we have always said to one another is "you picked me!" It started after we got engaged, and he or I would drive the other one nuts. One time I was being such a brat and Zach just looked at me and said, "You are driving me absolutely crazy today, but I sure do love you." all I responded with is, "you picked me!".

Nowadays, we say both of those phrases a lot to eachother, and that's ok. Because I did pick him, and he did pick me. And sometimes, when I'm being extra difficult, I will stop myself and just say "Thank you for picking me" because he didn't have to. He didn't have to put up with my crazy emotional self and choose to marry me, but he did.

I love how hard Zach works. I get frustrated when I don't feel like I get enough time with him, but bigger than my frustration is my gratitude that Zach gets to work in a job he is passionate about. He absolutely loves his job & loves working at a camp. What a huge blessing that is for us! Because even after a long day at work, he comes home rejuvinated from doing something he loves. He isn't worn out & cranky from stretching himself to do a job he doesn't enjoy, and he still has the energy to put towards our marriage even on long days.


Zach loves helping around the house, and especially since I've been pregnant. He finds joy in doing dishes and taking out trash and cleaning the cat box; not because he necessarily enjoys it, but because he knows how much it means to me. There are days where I spend the majority of my time on the couch and end up feeling like a big slob who is a horrible wife, and instead of making me feel guilty, Zach will rub my back and ask what he can do to help.

Most of all, Zach thinks I am beautiful. He loves when I take time to curl my hair, and always notices when I do my make up differently or try a new nail polish color -- but -- on days where I'm overdue for a shower, have a huge zit on my face, and have swollen, puffy hands and feet, he takes the time to slow down and say, "Katie, you are beautiful." It means the world to me, especially this late in my pregnancy when I feel like a blob. He holds me when I'm at my wits end and lets me cry, listens to my ridiculous complaints, and prays with me for patience and for a renewed heart.


In no way is our marriage perfect, but in every way we are perfect for one another. When I look into Zach's smiling eyes is when I feel like nothing in the world can bring me down. I am so so so thankful for that man, and believe that the Lord shows just how much He loves me through providing a husband who loves me about as close to unconditionally as I'll ever know on this earth.

And This is Why I Love Where I Live

Sometimes I have those moments. Those moments when I realize just how big God is, how small I am, how insignificant my life is, yet how immensely blessed I am.

Saturday morning I woke up and went to work just like any other day. I wore wedges and eye make up because I was feeling a little frumpy and large with my expanding stomach, and I wanted to feel pretty. I was tired, ready for a day off, and just wanted to get to 5 pm.

Zach ended up working late and we didn't have dinner until 6:30. We sat with a few other staff members, including our director William, and everyone was pretty mellow after a long day. The fire department had put a ban on all campfires due to the Santa Ana winds, so I made sure all the leaders knew that they weren't able to have one that night.

Zach and William decided they would go collect the firewood at the fire rings so that no one would wander down and start a fire. I asked if I could ride along, so we all piled into the 4x4 Gator and headed down. When William learned I had never been to Inspiration Point he said "alright, well lets go for a ride!" I have heard about Inspiration Point, and I knew it was only about a mile behind the office down a simple trail, but I never have taken the time to go there.

We rode down about a mile and a half until we couldn't drive any further and still be able to turn around (we were on the side of a steep dirt hill). Then he said "k, lets hike". Remember where I said I had put on wedges that morning so I could feel pretty..? So I went barefoot :)

We hiked down about another 100 yards until we reached it, Inspiration Point. A rock cliff overlooking acres of dense forest, a creek rumbling below us, and the view of the ocean in the distance. It was beautiful. We sat down on rocks and talked about our hearts for camping, the power of wilderness and taking people out of their every day life, away from cell service. We talked about the future of this camp and the myriad of possibilities. We talked about parenting and raising a Godly son. Being an example and loving the Lord first.

It was wonderful. And it was where I live. I didn't go anywhere else, just took a ride after work. When it got dark, we hiked back up to the Gator and rode back to our house.

As if that wasn't enough of God's glory for one night; a man had set up a deep sky telescope outside our house and we decided to go check it out.

For the following hour, we looked at stars in galaxies outside of galaxies millions of lightyears away. It was absolutely incredible. I can't believe how big our God is yet how small we are and how he loves us. He created such a beautiful world, and so much of it we can't even see with our naked eye. The bible says he knows the number of stars in the sky. While other people were taking turns looking in the telescope, my friend Becca just laid on the asphalt and stared up into the sky. We could see millions of stars. It was so beautiful. We laid there, listened to the sound of night in the woods, and talked about how much God loves us.

It was wonderful... and this is where I live.

Finding Joy

*aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

That's my sigh of relief. The summer season at camp is over and we're back to only having guest groups in on the weekends. This means no more working weeknights, getting woken up by singing or screaming campers at midnight, etc. Back to the simplicity I love so much about living in the mountains :)

It has been a hugely blessed summer here, and I've had a blast working in the office. I've had the pleasure of meeting some truly touching people who have come to stay here. I've also been challenged and stretched in ways I never have before. Things I can't write about in the open, which is why I've been absent here. It's hard to keep blogging pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's really not. This season of life has been one of the hardest, and there were days when I literally wanted to give up & quit. But I didn't, I kept going, I kept praying and you know what? I made it. And I feel refreshed. And I feel stronger because I leaned into the Lord for strength when I knew I didn't have any of my own left.

I'm not saying I did this with the most grace, because I certainly am a whiner. That is something I am working on :) Through all the struggles I've faced this summer, one huge blessing has been the summer staff office help: Joyann. She is the most gracious, gentle, and kind spirit I think I've ever met. It's been HUGE for me to be able to sit next to her every day and see her example of holding her tongue, always keeping a positive attitude, and giving such Godly encouraging advice.  God truly blessed me by having the privilege of working with her day in and day out. That or He really wanted me to learn to be more like Him. Joyann is one of the most Christ-like people I've known and seriously, I can't put to words what her example has meant to me. I've learned a lot this summer from her, and just from being herself.

Throughout the challenges I've faced this summer, I've also been emotionally different. Pregnancy is hard. I haven't felt 100% in five months, I finally got over being sick and now I can't sleep through the night, I'm sensitive, and to top that all off I tend to be passive aggressive. At work I feel the need to hold that all in and keep a smile on my face. When coworkers offend or irritate me I just look away and take a deep breath; when guests are pushy or rude, I smile and offer ways to come to a solution.

It's exhausting. I don't want to ignore coworkers who bother me, I want to yell at them. I don't want to offer helpful solutions to guests who are rude to me, I want to tell them to figure it out themselves if they're so unappreciative. But instead, I hold it all in for eight hours and then when my sweet husband picks me up he gets the whole day of frustration poured out on him. I hate that I do that. It's not Christlike. It's not respectful. It's not encouraging.

It hurts my heart when I am impatient with Zach. Sweet Zach who loves me no matter what and hugs me when I'm yelling at him for no reason. So I've been trying to find ways to relieve that tension at the end of the days. I'm incredibly blessed to live in the woods where there are so many places to go, and also to live at a camp that has a herd of horses.

This week after work, I headed up to the barn and helped our wrangler feed the horses. AKA I stood in the back of a flat bed truck and threw hay into the pastures. And you know what, I haven't been that happy in a long time. Something about being outside, feeling the fresh air on my skin, hearing the horse noises when they see the truck coming & they are so excited.

When I came home on Monday evening after feeding, I was smiling, laughing, had energy. Zach even said "wow, I haven't seen you in this good of a mood in a long time." So on Thursday, my day off, I came up to help lead arena rides for a special needs group we had in last week. I spent two hours walking in circles, leading these adults around the arena on horseback. It was so.much.fun.

Sometimes I'm overly tired, sometimes I'm emotional, sometimes I feel depressed, sometimes I get unnecessarily cranky. Always, God is enough. Always, He provides a solution. Always, He leads me to where I can find joy.

Friends

Can I just say how thankful I am for blogging? I know I haven't been writing a lot lately, I've had a pretty rough month and it's not something I can share about online but regardless, the blog world is awesome. 

Yesterday I got to hang out with Meg, Jamie, and Kasey in Temecula. It was my first time meeting Kasey & she was a doll. And really tall! :) Anyways, these are all girls that I met online through blogging. It sounds funny, I know. 

I am someone who loves my alone time, but I need time with people. I love hanging out even if we're not doing anything, just being with friends. I don't get a whole lot of that where I live.

Most of you know I live on top of a mountain with 25 other people, and an hour away from any civilization, including a gas station. I have some really great friends up here, but I miss my friends from home, I miss having girls nights, I miss going out for Happy Hour when we get off work early, etc. Hanging out with girls my own age, with similar interests, a strong faith, it was so rejuvenating. I loved having lunch with you three & just hanging out after.

Also, the best part in my opinion, is that they brought me birthday cupcakes & gave me a gift! Seriously?! Yeah, I am blessed. 

It's funny the friendships that have come from the internet. I never expected this to happen, but Lord am I thankful it did!! 

Thanks for the fun Sunday girls :) You make my heart full!!

My Birthday cupcakes! Meg even asked Zach my favorite flavors :) Thanks sweet friend!

 Meg found this, I find it hilarious :)

this baby in my tummy

being pregnant is a funny thing. i mean i know there's a baby in there, although a very small one, but it's really hard to actually believe it. i've been focusing on being sick, being tired, being cranky -- because those are "touchable" things. I feel them, see them, taste them. i think a part of me is really, really afraid of having a baby. part of it is the fear of loss. what if something happens between now and January? what if something happens after then? if I allow my heart to love this baby, admit it's there, i fear that i will lose it. every time I get a tiny cramp my heart drops.

anyways, i was thinking about it yesterday & i want to make sure i don't seem ungrateful. i've posted a few statuses on facebook about feeling like the life is being sucked out of me (which it kind of is) and being sick all the time (which I am) -- but I want to focus on this tiny life inside of me instead of how I feel. because this time, it's just not about me. its about this baby. our baby. not someone elses, but mine. mine to love, to teach, to grow, to discipline. to shape into the best person it can be. the truth is, i am so grateful. this is something i have wanted my entire life, and in the most recent years & months i've even dreamt about. i long to know this child, to snuggle it and hold it and let it need me. i'm so afraid of that never happening; i'm allowing fear to hold my instead of love. i need to let myself love the life in my tummy.

i'm so thankful for this little baby. i'm thankful that without much thought or effort, the stick said "Pregnant" the first time i peed on it. nowadays, that is definitely not always the case.

i'm learning how not to live in fear, how to allow myself to love this baby without meeting it, even with the chance i may never meet it on this earth. i trust Him though, no matter what happens. and with Him i have hope that i will indeed get to hold this baby in my arms in just a few months.

oh sweet baby, see the turmoil you're already causing in my brain? we've got a long road ahead of us...

and i can't wait to see where it takes us =)

my tiny 10 week belly



Sometimes I Forget to Have Faith.. But HE is Always Faithful

Time to tell a little story I've been wanting to write out for awhile. I couldn't share until it was official but now that it is, I am so glad to share yet another way that God is so incredibly faithful to His children! aka YOU & me :)

OK so this story requires me to back up a bit, I'm gonna try to keep it concise though. In 2007, I dropped out of college to pursue my dream of being a hairdresser. I soared through beauty school, on cloud 9 the whole time, except for my lower back pain. I would lay awake at night with muscle spasms, but I assumed it was normal from standing on my feet all day.

Fast forward two years from graduation [now early 2010], I've been doing hair full time and the busier my schedule gets, the more my back hurts. The pain had spread to my shoulders & neck, and after a full day, I would barely be able to get home, lay on the couch, and beg someone to bring me ice. It felt like a catch 22 because I wanted to build my clientele, and have a full schedule, but all it did was cause me tons of pain. Finally, my lovely friend Devon [start your blog!!!!!!!!] finally says to me, "Katie..that is NOT normal pain. You need to figure something out". I ended up spending thousands of dollars on physical therapy and chiropractic care and it did nothing.

In January of 2011, I got rear ended on the freeway. I was stopped, they were going between 45-55 mph and hit me dead on. Whiplash ensued, headaches, etc. I started with PT and chiropractic, and after a few months of no improvement, my chiropractor referred me to acupuncture. I was terrified, but it ended up helping so much. I was basically cured in about 8 weeks of care. [someday I'll write about how much I loooooove acupuncture!]

In October of 2011, Zach was offered his almost dream job of working maintenance at a Christian camp [it would be his total dream job if we were at a YL camp - but we are very happy here]. Along with his offer came an offer for me to work in "accommodations", which I learned was the housekeeping department. My immediate reaction was, I don't want that job. Not only is it less than glamorous work, but I was concerned about my neck/back pain returning. I knew how much Zach wanted this job at camp and I felt like I just needed to deal with the implications of my new job in housekeeping. I chose not to say anything about my history of neck and back pain when we accepted the jobs, just because I didn't want to seem high maintenance.

A week into the job here, I knew I was going to struggle. My neck immediately started bothering me & I still felt like I couldnt say anything since I was the one who chose to accept this job. I kept thinking I should pray about this, but for some reason I didn't. Don't ask why.. I decided I would go to my immediate boss and then the executive director to ask about switching departments if the oppurtunity arose.

In early January, I was at home laying on a heating pad to relax my neck muscles when I got a call over the radio for me to come down to the director's office. I wasn't worried even though it felt a little like being called to the principle's office in school, lol.

I walked down to camp and was offered a full time position working in the camp office, as an assistant to the Guest Relations Coordinator, aka my dream job! I now get to help coordinate all the groups planning their retreats up here, help with their needs the weekends they are here, and have personal interaction over the phone when anyone calls. I love my job.

After being offered the job, all I could think of was just how faithful our God is! I always put my trust in Him, but in this case I definitely wasn't relying on Him to solve the issue. I was taking matters into my own hands by deciding to talk to my two bosses about moving jobs. I just love how God swooped in and took care of everything before I even could, as if saying,

"Katie, my precious daughter, I know your needs and I will always provide for them."

Amen.

Source: roadcalledlife.blogspot.com via Katie on Pinterest

How Are You Spending Your Time?

If you are new here, welcome! I get excited every time I see a new GFC friend, and I like to get to know y'all :)

My husband Zach and I are blessed to be able to call "work" living and serving at a Christian camp in the mountains of San Diego. One of the many amazing parts of this being our jobs, is that once a week we get together as a staff and have devotions & prayer. It is so incredible to work somewhere that people can stop their busy days and sit together to worship our amazing God.

Last week's message really spoke to me. Well actually a few of them lately have really spoken to me and I hope I can get them into words on here soon. 

Teach us to number our days,
   that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

First we broke down how many seconds in a minute, to how many minute a day, to how many hours in a year. I liked that since I am such a visual, literal person. Then we filled out a pie chart with 24 slices, 1 hour in each, and filled in where we spent our days. Sleep 11-7, get ready 7-7:45, work 8-4:30... then what? This is where it got convicting. 

I will be the first to admit I really put the important things on the backburner first. I hate that about myself and it'd be the first thing I would change if I could. I have 5-7 hours of "me time" each afternoon. To do whatever I please with! And that's just on work days!

Next we did a little comparison.. these are based on if you lived for 75 years. My friend Mike calculated if you spent 3 hours a day on the computer [especially for us bloggers], in a lifespan of 75 years you would have spent 9.4 years of your life on the computer! If you have a hobby you spend 1 hour per day on, thats a little over 3 years of your life doing just that activity. 

Here's what gets me... most people spend less than 2 hours a week with God. Thats 1 hour for church and 1 hour spread throughout the rest of the week. Two hours a week for 75 years = 225 days which is less than a year of your life with God. 

Now people brought up the argument that everything you do should be for God's glory so then you would be giving all of your time to God. This IS a a valid point, but not really the point of the exercise.

I couldn't believe these numbers [ again being the literal person I am, I take this very seriously, haha!]. I spend how many hours a week reading blogs? How many hours reading tweets? How many hours watching TV? And.. how many hours do I spend with God?

Not enough.

That's the simple truth. I often think, "I should do my bible study" and then pick up my phone instead. And then I wonder why I do this. I hate it. When I do have a quiet time, I am so refreshed and left yearning for so much more. If I feel that way, then WHY do I resist it so much? 

I reached out to my friend Ashley and she made a really funny but really great comparison [which I wont post here but Ill email you if you want to know :)] and basically boiled down to this:

 It doesn't matter how I feel. God deserves my time, every day. He deserves my praise. He deserves my priority. He is worthy. He is faithful. And He is always waiting for me.

If we went to coffee..

Since I live on top of a mountain with no friends in sight, we're having an online coffee date.. mmkay??

Source: takethesidestreet.com via Katie on Pinterest

• I would admit I have a love/hate relationship with Proverbs 31 because I feel it is unreachable. But, that is my insecurity speaking and overall I love that God loves us enough to give us a clear example of how to be a Woman of God.

• I would tell you that I woke up this morning with a super bad sore throat. I am thankful I already had the day off but fear calling in sick tomorrow if I don't get better! We have a full camp coming in and I know I need to be there to finish up getting it ready. Since I live an hour from any sort of doctor, it's kind of a gamble whether or not to go!

• I would also tell you that I really want to see Beauty and the Beast but Zach does not want to go with me. Any So Cal bloggers want to go with me? Pretty please?? (do I sound desperate or what?)

• I would also tell you that the friends I've made through blogging have honestly kept me from from becoming lonely here. I love where I am working, I absolutely am happy here. But I am such a people person that I need social interaction with people who have similar views/humor/interests as me. And through blogging, I have found that. So, thank you.

• I would admit I am 100% addicted to How I Met Your Mother. I absolutely cant stop watching it. It is so funny!!

• I'd tell you how adorable it is that Zach just got his new juicer in the mail and first thing this morning drove an hour to the market to get all his veggies and fruits. I am so excited he is inspired by all the documentaries {1 / 2 / 3} we've been watching and will totally support him in this adventure! 

• That I want to put more hair advice on my blog and I don't know what to tell.. kind of how healthy people dont know how to share because its common sense to them & they dont realize what the rest of us dont know. What do y'all want to know?! I love sharing hair stuff.

• I'd also tell you that I hate feeling complacent. I hope to always be reaching for something bigger and better for me, for Zach, and for our marriage. I ordered Real Marriage & the workbook off Amazon and cant wait to receive it and go through it together.

• I also ordered Believing God for myself, because sometimes I need help in that department.

• I'd bashfully admit that I led our staff devotion yesterday & everyone told me I did a really good job. I don't like being in front of people and I have trouble believing in myself. I am trying to believe that I am capable of bringing God's word to adults and not just High Schoolers, but I still struggle. I am so thankful that God gave me the the courage to stand up and do so though!

• And I'd tell you thanks for having coffee with me :) Let's do it again some time.

What would you tell me on our coffee date?

Amazing Grace

Had to pop in for a quick post tonight.

Let me set the scene to about two hours ago:

Hubs & I are sitting on the couch, watching Parenthood [addicted. both of us.] and we hear something faint in the background. It sounds like.. singing? Zach says, "hey, pause this" and we open our window. Sure enough, the 100 college students that are staying at camp right now are sitting around the campfire that is about a football field away from our house and below us [we're on a steep mountain] and we hear them singing. Hymn after hymn after hymn. Everything else is completely silent. 

Today sucked. I'll be honest I pouted all day, didn't talk to many people, and avoided that dang question, "is everything ok?"that more than five people asked. I am ok. I'm fine, but I miss my family, my back/neck hurt really bad, and frankly I just didn't feel like working. So I hermit-ed a little. And emailed Hollie about my struggling and relying on God, while I didn't rely on God all day. Oops.

Yes my back hurts, and I'm tired, and I want to go to Seattle and see my peeps but you know what? I live on a mountain that overlooks the ocean. I get to wake up and see deer in my front yard. I get to see the sun set over the ocean every night. I am married to my best friend & he loves me the same even on my bad days.


And that singing, those hymns, just made me realize. That is what really matters. That God cares about us, that He loves me, He loves you, and He deserves our praise.

Sitting on my couch, looking into the black outside the window and hearing 100 voices singing to our God, was the most peace I've felt in months.

I love when I get those reminders from God to simplify, focus on the most simple of all things. Silence, stars in a black sky, and hymns of praise. Amen.

via
Taken from the mountain I live on.

We Grow Up So Fast

Do you ever wake up one morning and realize, "holy crap, I'm actually growing up" ?

Yeah, me either. More like while I was walking around the other day.

I was working alone and reminiscing about Christmas growing up full of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, fires, hot tubs, and laughter. Both my parents come from huge families so there usually wasn't a quiet moment around the holidays. Both sides of my family are so so special to me but I always loved going to my dads parents house because all of us cousins are only a year apart.

Now, when I think back to holidays growing up I have little snippets of memories (my family has never been one for many pictures) but mostly it just makes me feel warm & fuzzy thinking about what an amazing family I have on both my mom & dads side; happy, healthy, supportive, and loud.

So anyways, back to my point. I was working alone the other day going through the memories in my head and all of a sudden it dawned on me that I literally will never be in those places again. Since my adolescence, one grandma has passed away, the other grandparents are snowbirds and won't come north for Christmas, and all of us older kids have pretty much scattered around the country.

What I realized is that Christmas will forever look different. I don't know when exactly all that happened, but never will I wake up in the loft to the smell of my grandma's breakfast (always including bacon!), surrounded by cousins. Never will we drive from California to Washington to spend Christmas morning with my mom's parents.

But, as I realized all this, I didn't feel sad. I felt so excited for the future and blessed to have sweet memories of the past. I can't wait til we have a bunch of kids to take to THEIR grandparents house, to sleep with their cousins. And until then, we will spend holidays alternating parents, who happen to live on opposite coasts, and enjoy the new meaning of Christmas as a married couple. Im so looking forward to making memories with my husband and his sweet family.

Here I sit on a plane headed East, missing my own family, and excited for learning about what Christmas has looked like for Zach while he grew up and getting to spend time with my wonderful in laws.

Merry Christmas, y'all :)

Well Done

When it's your time to leave this world, what will people say about you?

Source: heartbeatoz.tumblr.com via Katie on Pinterest

Last night, I saw on Facebook that someone on Young Life staff had passed away. I didn't know him well, but I did work with him for a month about five years ago and remember him being a very genuine, vibrant, and witty man. He has two little boys and a beautiful wife who are still living, and my heart breaks for them. I cant imagine life without Zach anytime soon, especially if we had a family. I don't know them, but I am praying them.

What my heart doesn't break for, though, is the fact that this man is so undoubtedly in heaven. I was reading through what people had written on his facebook wall, lots of stories, memories, but mostly were countless young men and women, in high school or in college, or in their twenties leaving a note saying that this man had lead them to Christ. Without him standing up strong for what he believed in, and doing what God asks of all of us, to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth, it appears that hundreds of people would not know their Savior.

However, the post that stood out the most to me simply said, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

That's all; no story, no thank you.

This made me think, if I got cancer, was in a car accident, slipped on ice and fell into a coma, whatever... what would people say about me? When I get to the gates of heaven, what will God say about me?


Yes I work at a Christian camp, yes I led Young Life & mentored teenagers for two years, yes I invite my family to church often; but what about my thoughts? What about  my actions?

Source: 320sycamoreblog.com via Katie on Pinterest

The words in that quote are beyond meaningful. I know the only way to be preaching the Gospel without words, is to have my heart fully hidden in Christ (so filled with His love & compassion there is no room for my own selfishness). When I read the posts on this man's facebook wall, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that God must be pleased with him.

I can only pray that God is pleased with me too. I'm pretty dang good at talking the talk, putting on a happy face. But when we start talking real, I don't always know if my intentions are in the right place & I'll be the first to admit that my thoughts are not always pleasing in God's eyes.

A verse my favorite Marlene (my mentor) always reminds me is to "hold every thought captive to God". It took me awhile to grasp the meaning of this verse, but I think it's time to start remembering this every day.

Source: etsy.com via Katie on Pinterest

So by the death of a man who I barely knew, the Lord is speaking to me. I know He can speak to you too, if you'll listen.

These lessons aren't always easy, but I know its time for me to start thinking about my day to day life. Am I pleasing God? If today was my last day, do I think the Lord would say to me, "Katie, well done my faithful servant" ... maybe He would. Maybe I am too hard on myself. But I know have a lot of room to improve and grow.

My prayer will be that my life will be one that is worth someone saying Well done, good and faithful servant.

If I Had a Million Dollars

I've been planning this post all week, preparing to show you readers how I would decorate my house if I had no budget. I've searched the Pottery Barn, Pier 1, and World Market websites just to show you photos like this

and this

and this.

I was planning to write all about how magical and glittery and warm and fuzzy Christmas makes me feel, and how I'd love to place those all of those items in our home, if only I was fortunate enough to afford it all.

Now, let's rewind. We are searching for a new home church down here, and both are getting discouraged with the ones we've tried so far. We were blessed by an incredible community at a church for 4 years, and recently switched to a non denominational church in Seattle prior to moving down here. We adore the pastor there, still listen to his sermons online, and are having trouble finding someone who can compare. We pray about this everyday, and both our hearts are just hurting, yearning for a church to call home.

This morning we drove a little further to try a church that looked promising. We really enjoyed the worship (I'm picky) and then they turned on the video screen. Immediately I was turned off; I like the pastor to be standing in front of me, not feel like I'm at the movie theatre... Anyhoodles, the pastor started talking about a ministry the church has in Mexico to feed children whose parents either abandon them, don't come home from their nightly work with drugs sex or crime, or who just can't afford to feed them. These children live in 6'x8' storage units. Most of the doors have been broken off and are replaced with pieces of broken wood or abandoned buildings. These kids just stay in their storage units, all lined up next to each other (I envisioned a row of prison cells when the pastor was telling all this) and hope their mothers come home that morning to unlock the door.

Last year, the church's ministry there had enough money after feeding 400 children, to get each child a gift worth 15 cents. They felt bad for only giving each child a pencil and a candy cane. When those kids realized they each got a pencil and a candy cane, they shouted and laughed and jumped up and down! They were so excited to get a gift of a pencil and candy cane tied together.

Here's where I broke down. I felt so incredibly ignorant, selfish, and materialistic. My heart was broken for these children. I ugly cried in church while the pastor on the TV screen talked about the Mexican kids. Not only do they live in storage units hoping that their parents to come home each morning, but they are cold. Most of them don't own any blankets and sleep on the dirt floor. Insert more ugly cry. Do you know how many blankets I own? I just bought a heating pad yesterday because I didn't think my blankets were warm enough.

I will say now, that I am so incredibly thankful for where I was born and the family I was born into. I am so thankful that we can afford to stay warm and cozy, and to brighten our home with Christmas decorations. I have parked my booty on that heating pad and fully intend on keeping it there.

But in the midst of the season of giving, I have been reminded that it's not all about me. It's not all about fulfilling wish lists. For thousands of people just 70 miles south of me, their wish list is much simpler than mine. So today, while shopping at Target with my wonderful husband, we bought a blanket. A big soft fleece one to send to Mexico. It feels so small and insufficient compared to how much is needed, but for now it's what we want to give. I can tell, though, that this is the beginning of something pulling at my heart strings.

I love the Christmas season, I love the lights and the decorations, I love the friendliness it brings out in strangers. It's so easy to focus on the cheeriness of this season, but this morning, my friends, my heart was broken for this season. I needed to share my heart with y'all. But mostly for myself, to look back and remember how I felt today, remember these kids and be reminded that I am incredibly blessed, and have the means to share with others.

So in the midst of my broken heartedness, I will rejoice that there are ministries reaching these children and many other children each day. I rejoice that our God, our King, cares. He cares about you and I, and He cares about those we don't even know about. Our God is big, so big, and he will provide for those kids, I just know it.

"But God will never forget the needy,

nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish." 

Psalm 9:18

The Big Move

Where to start... Well. First things first, we're here. I am thankful we made it, although the drive from Seattle to San Diego was long, emotional, stressful, and tiring. We're here. When we arrived, it was pouring rain. Lunch was being served a half hour after we arrived so we got to meet a few of the staff that was working. Since it was Sunday, most people had the day off for church.

We didn't unload the moving truck that day (because of the massive amount of rain) which made me a little uneasy; I wanted a home. As soon as we drove away from Seattle, I felt homesick. Moving is familiar to me, but to be transparent, as soon as we got to my grandpa's house the first night, I broke down crying and told Zach "I just want to go home." I don't know what it is with me lately about having this "home" I keep talking about. I just want to feel settled, permanence, comfort, and not so many things up in the air.

Monday morning we woke up to BEAUTIFUL blue skies and not a cloud in sight. Already I felt refreshed. Two guys that work here helped us unload the truck, and it only took about an hour. I was beyond thankful for their help.

from our front porch

Every single person we've met at the camp has been so incredibly welcoming. The first morning, I went into the dining hall to get some coffee, and a girl named Jodi approached me, told me how she'd been waiting to meet me since she heard we got hired, and mentioned that she knew it must have been hard to leave our friends and family in Seattle. Already I knew I would like her, because immediately she showed compassion. Then, she came out from behind her counter, and with a smile on her face told me, "I just want you to know how glad I am that you're here. I can't wait for our friendship to develop, so we can look back and say 'Remember the first time we met?'" and gave me a big hug. Tears welled up in my eyes. She will never understand how much that meant to me, to be welcomed with a hug and such intentional words. If you ever read this Jodi, thank you.

Before leaving Seattle, I told Zach I was going to be intentional about my attitude. I am pretty good at always putting on a happy face, especially around new people.  I am making a conscious effort to be real, not just happy. I want my smiles to come from joy, not from what I feel like people want to see.

Speaking of being intentional, I now live an hour from any sort of grocery store, and an hour and a half from big stores (Target, Michaels, Costco, etc). And half of the hour is a 7 mile road with 12 switchback turns, at a 7% grade incline. Yup, we live on the top of a mountain. In San Diego County. Makes for incredible views. But, it means that unless I want to burn up a ton of gas and time, I better get real organized, real fast. So far I have been keeping a list of things we need from town; and I will have to be really good about meal planning too. So much for the late night runs for ice cream, or more importantly, a forgotten ingredient for dinner. I have a feeling we will be learning how to be innovative with our food, space, and free time.

We've majorly downsized in our home. Which is great. I absolutely love our new space, just is taking a lot of creativity to find a spot for everything. But who doesn't love a good challenge :) I am so excited to share pictures of our new house just as soon as everything's put away. Those that know me, know I am not very tidy. But trust me, I will be now! There is no room for untidiness and I am honestly excited about keeping a clean and clutter free home; I think it will be refreshing.

Here's who has been roaming around our house since we arrived, he is just one of about thirty we've seen!

Did I mention that the property is actually in a State Park?

So here's to simplicity, fresh relationships, becoming tidy, pulling together my emotions, and being content that I have a place to rest my head, and a husband to hold me through it all.

We're here.

The Time I Gave Away my Dog and Felt Like a Total Loser

You guys. On Saturday we took Hugo to his new home. I have always looked down on people who give away their animals, and could never believe I would have to do that.

I am a complete animal lover. Well, most animals. I dont like rodents or lizards or insects *shudder* but all the other ones I like.

I consider animals to be the same as children; when you have/get them, you have them forever. Unless of course your animals get violent with real children, thats the only excuse to send them "away" if you ask me.

Well the place we are moving to does not allow dogs. Usually this would have been a deal breaker, except that I so clearly felt God call us three distinct times. So I did it. It was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'll miss you sleeping in with me.

I cried all the way home. I cried again before bed. I cried when I woke up the next morning. I miss you dearly, Hugo. My little buddy.

I'll miss you laying on my feet while I get ready for bed every night.

I miss your cute little face.

He taught me responsibility, and how to be accountable for another living being. I cared for him, and I loved him well. It is still surreal to me not to have him at home with us, and part of me wants to wake up and have him back with us. He has a great new mama and I have no worries for him.. I am just very, very sad for myself. 

A cluster of Thoughts

Yup..I have a cold. It's the most pointless sickness to me because it just drains all your energy but other than that, you're fine. It's so easy to whine about though.

We are slowly packing our house up.. it's not taking as long as I thought, but it's still no fun! The camp sent us pictures yesterday of our new home and it is very small. I was not planning on taking everything with us, but now I think we'll take even less than planned. One awesome thing I noticed is that we have a bathtub! I love me some bubble baths. I am trying to pack by room, for a few reasons. A) So it doesn't seem like such a chore and B) so it goes into the moving truck by room..hopefully easier to unpack. I also dislike unpacking. Maybe I should stop moving so much!! We are praying that this adventure will be the last one for a long time!

Last night at bible study, we were studying James 1. I was so incredibly challenged. I have read that chapter many many times but never broken it out like we did. One part stood out in particular to me; verse 21:

Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (NIV)

So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. (NLT)

I like looking up verses in a few different translations, I feel like it helps me understand them a little better. I have verse 19 taped to my computer at work (You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.) because, well, I need the reminder. But, I have never really noticed verse 21. "get rid of the moral filth in your life" .... "accept the word planted in you" these are things that are so equally important as what's taped on my computer. These things require action! Action can be scary, so I think subconsciously we skip over the parts that require action and just remember the passage as a whole; or remember the parts that make us feel warm & fuzzy. This week I plan to take a chunk of time and write out specific ways I see moral filth in my life and actively work on removing them. I know that part of that is surrendering to God every.single.morning. It is so hard for me to do, because I like being in control. But ultimately, I know that when I am surrendered to God, these morally filthy things in my life become a whole lot more noticeable, and start looking more like obstacles in the way of reaching intimacy with my Savior. I think it will be somewhat difficult to admit all the ways I let moral filth sneak into my life. Life is so short though, it will be gone before we know it, and I don't want to look back and wish I had done something to make a change sooner. I have God's word planted in me. How powerful is that? I have no reason to doubt myself!

So as I continue packing up my house, deciding which of my things I need to bring with me, and which to leave behind; I'll also be evaluating what in my life needs to stay and what needs to go.

Do you dislike packing as much as I do? Anyone have some tips to make it a little more enjoyable?

Snapped with my iPhone on my way to work this morning. I couldn't help but share!

This is Really Happening!

Ever since leaving Trail West in 2009 (the camp Zach and I met at), we have both felt a very strong calling to work in Christian Camping ministry. Over the last two and a half years, we have applied to a handful of camps around the country, and have gotten rejected from almost every one.

This spring, Zach was offered a position in Oregon at a Young Life camp, but not working for Young Life, it would have been a separate ministry being run at that camp. He felt it was the right job, so I drove down with him the following weekend to see the place, meet the people, etc. As soon as we arrived on camp property, something felt off. I just knew it wasn't the right place for us, but didn't have the heart to tell Zach. I went through the whole weekend pretending to be ok. Once we got home, and went to church the next morning, Zach asked one of our pastors what he thought, and he said "I always say, 'Go until God says no.'" Well, I immediately felt this was the time to speak up so I told Zach that I just knew that this wasn't God's best for us. He was heartbroken, he finally felt he had a job at a camp and I had taken that away from him. He knew we needed to trust the Lord that He had something better for us, but that isn't always easy to do!!

Time moved along, we got married, we settled into our home and our new life together. Zach had still been applying for other camp jobs and was getting rejection letter after rejection letter. That is so not easy to deal with. I was sad for him, I just wanted someone to give him a call, talk to him on the phone, before simply saying, "Sorry, you don't look as good on paper as these other applicants. God Bless." All along I have had so much respect for my husband getting up every day and going to a job he does not enjoy at all. It has given me so much faith in him, knowing that no matter what happens he will always take care of me. We continually prayed for the right job to come along. We love our friends and community in Washington, but neither of us felt that we had to stay here forever, and so we were not limiting his job applications to this state.

Last week (yup, just last Tuesday) Zach sent an application to a camp just outside of San Diego, CA. At 10:30 pm. I have to admit, I was just dreading the email I expected to receive from them, the same one we had been getting from all the other camps. Boy was I wrong! The very next morning Zach recieved a phone call that they wanted to get to know him. He called back and spoke to the camp director for a few minutes, and when he realized how far away we live, he asked Zach to do a Skype interview. That interview only last 15 minutes, and they called back that afternoon to ask Zach when they could meet me! Ahh!! Well, Saturday morning we plugged into Skype and had an amazing half hour conversation with the three men on leadership at this camp. When we hung up with them, we both noticed that the most important principle was so apparent through these men, that their lives and the mission of the camp is incredibly Christ centered. How refreshing.

Yesterday (only one week after Zach's initial interview) they offered us both a full time position at the camp!! Maintenance for Zach, and Accomodations for me. As soon as this became a real possibility, naturally I freaked out. All the peace I had been feeling all week immediately turned into fear, nerves, and anxiety. I kept praying for it to go away but it wasn't! I decided to send an email to our family and a couple close friends, asking for prayer over our decision. I went to bed last night and told Zach I knew in the morning I would feel better, and then I would tell him that I felt 100% confident to move.

I woke up this morning with more nerves. Not what I wanted. Now I was afraid that all these nerves might be the same thing as the Oregon feelings, and I wanted to make sure if they were that I knew for sure. I called three people on my way to work and no one picked up. So I said outloud "Jesus if these nerves are really you saying no, then make that clear.. I need you to take this. If you want us to go, tell me loudly so I can't deny it!!" Two minutes later, my dad called back. He said he was not going to make the decision for me but that Zach and I have thrown our anchor down here, and it is now time to cut it loose. He said, "you can't try to set sail and still have that anchor dragging behind your boat, just let it go, and be on your next adventure!" Of course my dad would relate it to boating :) I felt this was such a good analogy because of my previous post and how this would mean starting over, yet again. When we hung up I felt pretty encouraged about it. Then I arrived at work and I had an email from my auntie Michelle, ending with this:

You and Zach are being offered a JOB to SERVE the LORD.  GO.  SERVE. BE HAPPY.   We support you in every way. Jesus is so happy with you. I know this.

At this point, I am definitely not able to deny that Jesus is indeed telling us to go. Just incase I didn't believe Him enough, I received a text message from my dear friend Breanna literally five minutes after reading the email, that read:

Take the leap of faith!!! :-)

So guess what?!

We are going!!

In THREE WEEKS!!!! And I am beyond excited knowing that we are definitely doing exactly what God wants us to.

This ain't half bad either.

Planting Roots

For those who don't know, I grew up moving around all. the. time. I am 23 years old and have moved 11 times. You can do the math and realize that I've never really been able to plant roots. I am great at making new friends, and  pretending I am comfortable in a room full of people I don't know, but I have never had what some people talk about as their childhood home, home they grew up in, the house that built them (name that tune..), etc. I do not resent moving, I would not change the way I grew up for anything, because it would change who I am and where I am right now, and I love where I am now.

Anyways, the past few weeks I have been noticing an underlying anxiety that makes my chest tighten every so often. Nothing too serious, but I knew there was something deep down bothering me and I just couldn't place my finger on it.

I work in the mortgage industry, and right now the most common demographic of people purchasing homes are "first time home buyers" - mostly people around my own age. All day I am organizing and setting up these files, just lots of paper, sometimes I get to see the people whose home I am helping them purchase, but usually I don't. I get to see appraisals and photos of their new homes. I see their income, how much they have in savings, their bank account statements and where they spend their money day to day.

Right now Zach and I rent. We live in our friends' basement, which we are so grateful for even if there are tons and tons of spiders. I constantly talk about owning a home, and I see the stress in Zach's eyes when I do. I'm pretty sure home ownership to him just means being broke. Which doesn't have to be the case if you are smart about it!! It was today I realized why I get little palpitations of anxiety. I found this tutorial to make the budgeting envelopes, which are SO cute they actually make a budget look like fun (weird), and when I thought about budgeting and saving for a down payment I got the flutters again. AH-HA!

I have an overwhelming desire to own a home, our very own space to build our life, a family, and years of memories. I don't have one of those and I think this whole getting married thing is making me want more. It's no secret that we both really want babies, and I want a place to dream about them, and prepare for them to come. I want to have a yard of my own, to plant pretty flowers, vegetables, a white picket fence built by my husband (no joke, I've made Zach promise he will build one). Renting to me is so temporary. At any moment you can just pick up and leave and I don't like that feeling hanging over my head. Because of always moving when I was younger, I want somewhere to grow roots as a married couple. I have an image in my head of a green lawn, leaves falling on the sidewalk, and a cozy house with a fire to heat it.

But, that image isn't quite tangible right now. As I sifted through these thoughts while writing them down, I kept remembering I need to live in the present. We can pick up and leave, we can afford a few small vacations throughout the year, we can still be saving and dreaming of our future. Although I desire to plant my own roots, I know that where I am right now, like I said before, is perfect. We both have jobs, we have incredible friends, live in a beautiful place where there are a million and one things to do. So here's to being content with what I have & planning for the future while enjoying the present.

 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life.

{Psalm 143:8}