Thursday, June 21, 2012

this baby in my tummy

being pregnant is a funny thing. i mean i know there's a baby in there, although a very small one, but it's really hard to actually believe it. i've been focusing on being sick, being tired, being cranky -- because those are "touchable" things. I feel them, see them, taste them. i think a part of me is really, really afraid of having a baby. part of it is the fear of loss. what if something happens between now and January? what if something happens after then? if I allow my heart to love this baby, admit it's there, i fear that i will lose it. every time I get a tiny cramp my heart drops.

anyways, i was thinking about it yesterday & i want to make sure i don't seem ungrateful. i've posted a few statuses on facebook about feeling like the life is being sucked out of me (which it kind of is) and being sick all the time (which I am) -- but I want to focus on this tiny life inside of me instead of how I feel. because this time, it's just not about me. its about this baby. our baby. not someone elses, but mine. mine to love, to teach, to grow, to discipline. to shape into the best person it can be. the truth is, i am so grateful. this is something i have wanted my entire life, and in the most recent years & months i've even dreamt about. i long to know this child, to snuggle it and hold it and let it need me. i'm so afraid of that never happening; i'm allowing fear to hold my instead of love. i need to let myself love the life in my tummy.

i'm so thankful for this little baby. i'm thankful that without much thought or effort, the stick said "Pregnant" the first time i peed on it. nowadays, that is definitely not always the case.

i'm learning how not to live in fear, how to allow myself to love this baby without meeting it, even with the chance i may never meet it on this earth. i trust Him though, no matter what happens. and with Him i have hope that i will indeed get to hold this baby in my arms in just a few months.

oh sweet baby, see the turmoil you're already causing in my brain? we've got a long road ahead of us...

and i can't wait to see where it takes us =)

my tiny 10 week belly


Anonymous said...

WAIT! Did I know you are pregnant? Or is this the first time you announced it?! Either way CONGRATULATIONS!!! I'm so excited for you! Your post was very touching-you have a great perspective! Stay well friend!

Anonymous said...

Congrats! I love how you pour your heart out. I wish I really got to know you more while you were a student at GJ. You inspire me! I love reading your facebook and seeing how on fire you are for life and God. It's very rare to find young people who aren't afraid to show and live their faith. Bless you during this exciting time of your life.

Lauren said...

You are so precious. Don't forget He believes in you to take care of this baby. He knows you will be great molding and loving this child. I hope you start feeling better soon!!

Meg {henninglove} said...

you are so adorable. i love that little bump! cant wait to see that bump in person next month. and you are definitely not sounding ungrateful at all, i know where your heart is at towards this baby and im sorry you have been so sick

Karrie said...

There is a reason pregnancy is 9 months. It gives you a natural time clock to prepare for what's to come. The sickness must be awful, but your perspective is beautiful. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Prayers that you feel some relief soon and then you can really focus on the joys of pregnancy! My daughter just turned 9 yesterday. I was reminiscing what it was like to become a mother for the first time. It feels like yesterday! You are on an amazing journey!

Ruthie Hart said...

I cannot wait to follow along on this journey Katie!

Kasey Lynne said...

Just remember that God never gives us something that we can't handle.

He's going to bless you and Zach with a BEAUTIFUL baby and I am so excited for you both. You're going to be a great Mom Katie. Don't let anybody else try to tell you otherwise.

Praying for you.