31 and a half week update!

Whew! It's been so long since I've typed in this pretty little white box :) I've really missed it and I'm dissapointed because I wanted to be better about documenting the little things throughout this pregnancy.

Basically the last month has been filled with baby showers, family, and settling into our new house. Yep, we got to move! Now instead of our little trailer we have a two story beautiful home :) that has pretty much taken up all of my energy, I never realized how truly difficult being pregnant is, its exhausting! In a really good way though.  

A sign I loved in my aunt's house.

The fabric my mama and I picked for Bennett's bedding!

I got to travel up to Seattle and spend time with my amazing family and see tons of friends too! It was so amazingly refreshing. And I got spoiled rotten at both showers. Thank you to those of you who helped out and came! I am so blessed by you.  

Our adorable nephew, Logan.

Zach and sleeping Will.. a preview for when Bennett comes!

Zach's parents, sister & brother-in-law, and nephews got to come out to San Diego this month, and it was so great spending time with them. I fell more in love with our sweet nephews and grew so much more appreciative for my amazing inlaws. Seriously, I scored in the inlaw department.   Other than that, my life has been consumed with thoughts and preparations for Bennett. It's crazy that this little person has completely taken over and he isn't even here yet. I find myself daydreaming about what he'll look like, what his snuggles will feel like, and if he'll wiggle as much out of my belly as he does while he's in there :) I pray for him to have a good temperament and to be a joyful person, to grow up to be strong in the Lord and respectful of others, to have a sense of humor and to be confident. I already love this little boy so much, and I just can't wait to meet him!  

A progression of bump pictures from the last couple of weeks :)

Baby's size:  According to thebump.com, baby is the size of a pineapple! Sleep:  ...I'm sorry, what is that?
Maternity Clothes:  I've snuck in a few sweatshirts and vests that arent maternity, but I am carrying this baby completely in front so non-maternity tops are pretty much not an option at this point
Food cravings:  Still haven't really had any cravings.

 Symptoms I have:  Exhausted, achy back, cranky :)
Labor signs: None yet, although I should start feeling Braxton Hicks contractions anyday!

Stretch Marks: None so far, thankfully. I still attest this to Delighted Momma's stretch mark oil.

Swelling: In my face mostly. My fingers too, but not my ankles yet.
Doctor’s Appointment: I have one today with my ob, and go to a specialist in two weeks. I have a low platelet level so my ob wants me to see a hematologist and then a high risk pregnancy doctor just to make sure everything is alright and also to prepare for what could happen during delivery. Prayers appreciated :)
Movement:  All the time, seriuously this kid doesn't sit still ever. Now he's big enough I can see him moving which is just weird.

Belly Button:   Super flat, not looking like it will pop out though. Best moment of the week: Going through all of the baby things we've gotten, organizing, washing everything, and putting it away :) What I’m looking forward to: Getting Bennett's room painted and setting up his crib and dresser so that it looks like it's ready for him!

What I miss: Being able to bend over without groaning, and putting on my own socks and shoes haha.

She Went Home

To start out this post, I just need to admit that I literally have the most amazing family in the world. Both my parents have lots of siblings; I have five uncles, and seven aunts. And tons of cousins. The best part is that at our wedding, you couldn't tell who was from which side of the family, everyone was dancing and laughing together. This weekend reminded me just how blessed I am to be a part of a family like this, where all 5 of my grandparent's kids jumped on planes to be with my grandpa in the days after my grandma's passing.

My High School Graduation. June 2006

Anger is a funny emotion. It sneaks up even when you don't understand why you are feeling angry. That's kind of where I am with my grieving right now. When I see things around my house that remind me of her, get a sweet text, or a sympathy card in the mail [don't get me wrong -- I so appreciate these] I simply feel anger that I am receiving these. I don't want to have to receive these. I just want my Mana back.

My Mana & Uncle Mark at our wedding. July 2011

My parents were already scheduled to visit us Friday night til Tuesday afternoon. We had plans to hang out at camp and down in San Diego as well. Obviously, things changed and we headed to Yuma bright & early (5 am) Saturday morning. When we drove into the RV Resort that my grandparents live at, it was so painful. We had just spent Thanksgiving down there staying in my grandparents' fifth wheel and I just can't quite swallow the fact that my energetic, seemingly healthy grandmother would not be there, that day or ever again. I still am just grasping to memories, wondering how this could have happened so quickly, missing her so much.

We brought our kittens to Yuma; Thanksgiving, 2011.

I am incredibly blessed that my grandma was so immersed in my life. Although she wasn't one to call often, I always knew that she cared about the details. I am the oldest grandchild on my mom's side, and for some reason this always gave me special privileges. The fact that I always included her in little things helped too. I know my grandma wanted to be a part of all the things in our life, but I don't think she knew how to reach out to us grandkids. Maybe fear of rejection, maybe just uncomfortable. It doesn't matter though. One of my first memories of this was in the 7th grade, my grandparents had come down during Halloween weekend and my mom and grandma came with us trick or treating. I'm an affection girl, always have been; and after 5 or so houses running with my friends, I turned around and gave my Mana a big hug and said, "I'm so glad you came with us!" and ran back up with my friends. The next day Mana could not stop talking about how special that was to her; even though I was having fun with all my friends I still let her know I was so glad she was there too. That's just how I am though. I was 12 then, and ever since, I have made a point to let her know how special she is to me.

Our Wedding, July 2011

At my bachelorette party last spring, some friends and I went wine tasting and then back to my parents' house for gifts and appetizers. [side note, I didn't even know we did gifts at bachelorette parties until my own! score! good thing mine was first, or I'd be really embarrassed when I showed up empty handed to friends'] So we get home and start opening gifts - which, by the way, is very uncomfortable for modest little Katie over here - and when I opened a floral ruffly backless top, my grandma says, in front of all my friends, "OOOH!! Can I borrow that for our cruise?!", and the room exploded with laughter!

Mana & Papa on their 50th anniversary cruise. October 2011.

Looking around my house I just can't stop thinking about her. She loved to spoil me, which is great, but now it is breaking my heart. From ruby earrings, to pink pajama pants & make up brushes, down to the marinade in my fridge, all her little gifts are making it impossible not to think of her. Last summer, I found a sweatshirt at Costco that I had to have. They didn't have my size in purple, so Zach and I were going to check three other Costco's in the area. Mana jumped in the backseat and drove around all afternoon with us, looking for that darn sweatshirt, totally content, just happy to spend time with us. Gosh I miss her already.

I've been told that just by being around us you can tell how close we are. My Mana was a special lady, that's for sure. I honestly considered her a friend, and I don't know how many people feel that way about their grandparents. I love her dearly. I will always love her & I look forward to the day we meet in heaven again. I know she'll be waiting for me with a big hug - arms open wide :)

Now that both my grandmas are in heaven, I've never been prouder to have my middle name. Suzanne Helen & Helen Jane -- I am Katherine Helen. I love my middle name, I wear it like a badge of honor. I pray I become half the woman that both these ladies were.

I love you, Mana. 

The Truth About Baby Fever

Soo... I didnt really have anything to write about since this is not a "health" blog and the only thing I can think about is this juice cleanse we are doing. We were planning to do it for 6 days and spent almost a hundred fifty dollars on fruits and veggies. Well, we're in day 2 and more than halfway through our veggies! Since our food is included in our pay.. we cant exactly afford to drop more than that per week, so we will be cleansing until we run out of veggies! Then we will continue to eat mostly clean. Until then.... I'm dreaming of oatmeal and triscuits and fish tacos. MMMMmmm....


Anyways. Zach and I are sitting on the couch right now, I am reading blogs and he was watching a documentary on cows. Yes my husband is obsessed with cows. He went to school for them (a real live cowboy), he names all the breeds when we drive past them, he quizzes me on whether they are "dairy" or "beef" cows, etc. He loves them. It's beyond me..

Anyways, the documentary got to the part about birthing and was showing all these cow births. At one point it showed a calf that had to be pulled out manually and it was super graphic and it ended up the calf was dead. And they showed it lying there. And I BURST into hysteric tears. And Zach laughed. Then I laughed. But I was still crying and I didn't know why! Then I realized why. Because I want a baby someday. And I might be naive in some things, but I know how common it is for pregnancies to go not 100% as planned, and frankly, that scares the bejeezus outta me. I am so fearful that when Zach & I decide to get pregnant we will either have a hard time conceiving at all, or once we do I will lose the baby. I don't know why this is such a fear but it is. I read a lot of blogs where women have lost their babies and it has given me insight to how that might feel and it sounds completely awful. 


A few weeks ago I read this post from Heather [Finding Beauty In The Ordinary -- awesome blog] and it spoke to me so much because I know that  is exactly how I will feel. I am a nervous wreck about most things, and I'm sure growing a human will be the worst of it. I pray that we will never have to experience this type of loss and I pray that no one I know will either.

I am sensitive. I love lots and when others hurt, I hurt too. When they showed the baby calf on the TV my heart hurt for the mama cow. Please don't judge me. I am just being real here. I know it sounds silly, but that is how I felt.

So the moral of my story is this. I need to learn to trust God. Even for the things in my future. He knows how much I want to be a mama, He knows how nervous it makes me and He knows Zach and I pray about 'when' all the time. I need to trust Him that His plans for my life are perfect. That He knows exactly what He's doing, and if we do have to endure heartache, it will be for His glory.

Source: achristianyoginisblog.com via Katie on Pinterest

Oh and by the way, Zach switched to watching cartoons after my little crying episode :)

Restoration

Today was a no good, very bad, terrible, awful day. But thankfully, we have a God that restores our hope.

Seriously, today was one of those days that just sucked. It started off with me not feeling well, then everything with my grandma just hit me and I was super emotional, work was SO busy -- and not feeling good and being emotional wasn't really helping all that at all. 

Rewind to last night. I was working on my quilt I am making for our nephew, and getting frustrated. None of my rows are lining up right and they are turning out all crooked and well basically no one else will ever notice. I am such a perfectionist that it was making me crazy! Then I was thinking about it in the shower (where I do all my best thinking) that it kind of pertains to my life. Not everything in my life always lines up just right. Sometimes things turn out a little lop sided. 

But that's just how life is. And that is why we need Jesus. On our own, we cannot straighten our paths or align things just right. We can't make it through a hard day without crying. 

Being a Christian doesn't mean things won't get hard. And it doesn't mean that you'll always be happy. It means that I have someone to lean on, someone who loves me 100%. He will never love me less, He will never love me more. And He cares about my heart, He knows my grandma is sick, He hears the crying out of my prayers.

He gives me energy to finish a hard day. He gives me hope in healing. He gives me a sunset each night that says just how much He loves me, and He loves you too.

Yes we suffer. But He sees that. And He restores us. He gives us that hope & a reason to trust Him. 

I thank God for restoring my heart, because I know I definitely couldn't walk through this life alone.

Photo from my coworker Michael Keleher

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Follow Friday & a Request for Prayer

I am loving Hollie's idea for Follow Friday blog version!


I'm a little uninspired to post anything today. You may have seen this tweet  from me yesterday... I found out yesterday that my grandma (I call her Mana -- like mama but with an 'n') has ovarian cancer. She has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and got to go home on Tuesday & I thought that meant everything was a-okay. I was heartbroken when my mom called yesterday to say the doctor's called with biopsy results that showed ovarian cancer. 
My dad's mom passed away from breast cancer, and Mana has had breast cancer too, so I am just praying that God will heal her! She is so young & active & plus, she said being a great-grandmother is on her bucket list. I am not ready to make you a great-grandma just yet, Mana! 
Mana is so strong, I know she will fight this will everything she has. I am just a little sad today. 
I am not posting this for sympathy, but to ask for prayer. Please pray for healing for my sweet grandma! Thank you, friends.
“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord. -Jeremiah 30:17

Here are my Mana and Papa, who've been married for over 50 years.
  I love you both so much and look up to you now that I am married. Thank you for supporting me through everything I've ever chosen to do, I love you dearly. Stay Strong Mana!!!
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And on a lighter note, don't forget to link up with Molly and me for Makeover Monday - Haircare edition! [my personal favorite] This coming Monday!