Soo... I didnt really have anything to write about since this is not a "health" blog and the only thing I can think about is this juice cleanse we are doing. We were planning to do it for 6 days and spent almost a hundred fifty dollars on fruits and veggies. Well, we're in day 2 and more than halfway through our veggies! Since our food is included in our pay.. we cant exactly afford to drop more than that per week, so we will be cleansing until we run out of veggies! Then we will continue to eat mostly clean. Until then.... I'm dreaming of oatmeal and triscuits and fish tacos. MMMMmmm....
Anyways. Zach and I are sitting on the couch right now, I am reading blogs and he was watching a documentary on cows. Yes my husband is obsessed with cows. He went to school for them (a real live cowboy), he names all the breeds when we drive past them, he quizzes me on whether they are "dairy" or "beef" cows, etc. He loves them. It's beyond me..
Anyways, the documentary got to the part about birthing and was showing all these cow births. At one point it showed a calf that had to be pulled out manually and it was super graphic and it ended up the calf was dead. And they showed it lying there. And I BURST into hysteric tears. And Zach laughed. Then I laughed. But I was still crying and I didn't know why! Then I realized why. Because I want a baby someday. And I might be naive in some things, but I know how common it is for pregnancies to go not 100% as planned, and frankly, that scares the bejeezus outta me. I am so fearful that when Zach & I decide to get pregnant we will either have a hard time conceiving at all, or once we do I will lose the baby. I don't know why this is such a fear but it is. I read a lot of blogs where women have lost their babies and it has given me insight to how that might feel and it sounds completely awful.
A few weeks ago I read this post from Heather [Finding Beauty In The Ordinary -- awesome blog] and it spoke to me so much because I know that is exactly how I will feel. I am a nervous wreck about most things, and I'm sure growing a human will be the worst of it. I pray that we will never have to experience this type of loss and I pray that no one I know will either.
I am sensitive. I love lots and when others hurt, I hurt too. When they showed the baby calf on the TV my heart hurt for the mama cow. Please don't judge me. I am just being real here. I know it sounds silly, but that is how I felt.
So the moral of my story is this. I need to learn to trust God. Even for the things in my future. He knows how much I want to be a mama, He knows how nervous it makes me and He knows Zach and I pray about 'when' all the time. I need to trust Him that His plans for my life are perfect. That He knows exactly what He's doing, and if we do have to endure heartache, it will be for His glory.
Oh and by the way, Zach switched to watching cartoons after my little crying episode :)