He is Good Now

This whole adoption process is much more emotionally draining than I had envisioned. Every time we show a mama our book, we feel completely vulnerable, hopeful, cautious, excited, and terrified. It's up and down, up and down waiting, to hear "she chose someone else," then grieving that "what if" of that baby. Then pick yourself right back up and show another mom your book, in case this is the one. 

It's only been since March, but I still have felt tossed and turned like I was stuck in the current of ocean waves. Coming up for air then getting tossed and beaten around again. This last no we heard was the hardest one yet. We had instantly both felt connected with this mama when we read the email. Separately we felt in our hearts this was THE one. We weren't waiting on an email to see who she had chosen, we were waiting on a phone call saying she had chosen us. We were so sure. This was our daughter. And then the email came, she had chosen someone else. 

Each no we've heard, I've allowed myself an entire day to grieve. I let go of the to do lists and just allow myself the space to feel that sadness and the loss of "what if". This time I felt it even more. And my wise friend asked me "what are you hearing about yourself when you hear no?"  I realized I was hearing that I don't deserve the gift of adoption, of another brave mama choosing me to be the parent of her baby. That it was something I'd have to earn from God and He must not have enough gold stars on my chart yet. I must need to find something that He is waiting for me to do or grasp or give. And in that moment, I got it. 

That is not who our God is. He isn't a God of achievements or check marks on a list. That is the entire point of the Gospel, of Christ coming down and dying for you and for me, so that we can have complete FREEDOM to live our lives with Him, instead FOR Him. To sit on the beach and watch the ebb and the flow of the waves, not be tossed by them and gasping for breath, because Christ has rescued us out of that turmoil. To breathe in His grace and stick our toes in the sand and realize: He is good in the whole journey. Not only once you can see how the story ends. Not when the baby is in your arms and you realize how intricately he designed your story all along. But in the waiting, in the no's, the but why's, and not yets. He is good now.

Yesterday, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (waking up with my 4 year old's feet in my back didn't help), was a little snippy and had a short fuse with the boys. My mom and sister came to pick me up to go cave-ing and hiking. For the record, I'm not a caver.  :) Before we left, I went upstairs, kneeled down and asked the Lord to allow me to walk in His freedom through this wait. To find joy in the whole journey and to remember that He has already written our story, we only need to trust Him as we walk it out. So we went through a cave, went for a hike, watched beautiful water falls, and on the way back to the car I realized I hadn't thought about adoption the ENTIRE TIME! Such victory, considering every single moment after we know a mama has our book my stomach is either in a knot or I am praying for her as she makes the decision. 

Our God is so sweet and He has already written your story too. Will you walk with me in the freedom we've already received from Christ? Even when you don't know the ending of the story?

Unexpected Grief

My sister in law said it perfectly: “My heart breaks for her and aches for you.”

When we got the text at noon on Thursday that there was a baby in Florida who was 1 day past her due date, I did what anyone would naturally do. Called my husband, freaked out. Called my mom, freaked out. Read the text and subsequent email 100x looking for any detail I missed the time before. I had done this with each mama we had seen, except this time it was different.

As I read the email, I was weepy.

As I called Zach, I was desperate for him to say we could present to this mom. I wanted this baby. I wanted to book the next flight to Florida and snuggle her as soon as she was earthside.

He said YES! I cried again. I wrote the most honest, heartfelt letter I’ve ever written. Last time it felt unnatural. This time felt right.

Coincidentally we had stayed home from an all expense paid trip for two to Australia, and instead decided to spend the weekend with our close friends about two hours away who live and work at a Young Life Camp. We decided to still go, regardless of the fact there is no cell service, and spend the time we could with them. Atleast there is wifi and FaceTime at their house.

We got to camp late at night, put the kids down, and that’s when the anxiety settled in. I had been trying to pray all day and just couldn’t find words. I kept saying “Lord, you know. We trust you.”  After the kids were down and all was quiet I started praying for mama, for her decision to choose a family, that she would feel confident in her decision to choose adoption and clarity in which family she wanted to place her baby with. I was praying the Lord would comfort her as she goes through these final days of pregnancy knowing what is coming.

I started memorizing Romans 15:13. With each word I would forget and go lookup, the Lord was teaching me and bringing me closer to him.

Hope,
fill,
believe,
power.

To be honest, I was sure this was our mama. This was our baby. I just knew it. I actually had this post written up until here because I wanted to remember each step and how I felt to live out our story, the one we have prayed for this whole time. I was writing it as I felt it so that I could post something as soon as we knew she was ours.

 I was so anxious for my email to ding because I knew it was going to say she had chosen us, or she wanted to meet us. At camp we don’t have cell service so I thought maybe someone would FaceTime us to tell us the amazing news that we were about to welcome a daughter, and it was time to get on a plane to Florida.

We headed into camp to grab an ice cream cone from the Sassy. I was actually grateful to leave the house and the wifi so that I could stop hitting 'refresh' every 3 minutes hoping for news. There is zero service down in camp, and I knew I needed the fresh air that comes with being totally disconnected. We let the boys run around & then decided to head up to start dinner.

I was chopping mushrooms while waiting for water to boil when Zach came around the corner holding his phone. As only Zach can do, he used the same calm voice he always does and said, "the mama has narrowed it down and she is choosing a family that is local."

I had to actually stop and think about what he had just said because that certainly wasn't what I was anticipating hearing. This was our baby! Everything was perfect; Australia, the timing, our suitcases were packed, our friend has a house we can stay in, we are ready! But it's not up to us. And all of a sudden I understood the verse the Lord had laid on my heart. He wasn't giving me this verse for our wait to hear back from this mama. He was giving me this verse for after we heard this wasn't our baby.

I was and am ok. I had peace in her decision. I knew this just meant this was someone else's baby. I have said that all along, that we would be ok waiting for our baby. I knew that there were other families showing this mama their books and we had been praying for her all weekend because of the magnitude of the decision she was making.

What I wasn't expecting though, is the sadness. Even as I type this my eyes are welling up with tears yet again. When my sweet friend Jess came inside and just hugged me without saying anything, that is when it hit. Yes, I have a supernatural peace about this. I have joy, so much joy. I trust in Him. I am overflowing with hope, truly. And I am also sad. When we decided to present to this mama (present is the adoption lingo meaning the agency shows her our family's book), that was our yes. In our hearts we were prepared to call this baby our own. And now we lean into the Lord as we grieve that "if" and wait on our "yes."

xoxo,
Katie

photo credit: Kari Rae Lewis

For Life

Last week, we heard from our case worker that our home study would be approved that weekend. Our consultant sent us our profile book to order. We narrowed down the agencies we were going to apply to. We were ready to send everything in & be "waiting."

I decided I would write us a letter from ourselves at this point, to read later on in case we get discouraged & to document each step of the process and what we are feeling at this point. I felt like it was a good transition point to take a pause and write things down before the next phase started. Process it and pray over it.

Until I woke up and there was a birth mom situation in my inbox. What? I wasn't ready! We hadn't even gotten our approved home study, we hadn't sent our applications in, I hadn't written my thoughts down!! That sweet letter I was going to write to the future us as if we were campers at Young Life Camp or something - I hadn't even thought of what to say!

And then it clicked. The Lord was like, "hey Katie, did I ever say this was going to go how you planned it? Even a little bit?" No, in fact at a women's weekend I went to last fall (at a Young Life Camp, no less) He specifically told me this process was going to teach me patience. Not like we will have this take longer than normal, but more like I am just an INSTANT gratification person, 100% of the time, and this wasn't going to work like that. I was already feeling pressured to keep up with everyone else's timelines. But this is ours. Our adoption. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. No matter the timeline, we won't miss our baby, the one the Lord already has for us.

We hired our adoption consultant (sidenote, if you are even thinking about considering adoption, please consider going through a consultant. I literally don't know how people adopt without a Casey) in June, we sent our home study paperwork in in January, while other people who hired Casey in August are already bringing their babies home. We're on the slow track, and the Lord is teaching me to be okay with that. Especially since that is not very slow at all compared to the years it can take for an international adoption or even through other agencies in the US. Comparison though. It just robs you of things, and usually without you even catching it!

So our letter to ourselves is different.  Even though we didn't present to the birth moms we saw last week, seeing their stories shook me a little bit. This adoption thing isn't about us, it is not romantic or amazing of us. What it IS, is us being obedient to something the Lord put on both of our hearts a long time ago. No matter the heartbreak it brings, on either side of it.

Dear Self, this isn't going to go as planned, even the parts you thought you could control. Even still, your baby is out there and because of that, you should not be discouraged or think less of your journey and circumstances. This is it, the adoption you've always dreamed and prayed and hoped for. You're doing it. Be grateful that you can say yes so easily. Soon you'll have a newborn and these months will be a blur and so worth it. 
Some of the birth mom situations you will see will hurt your heart. Pray for them. Know that each baby you don't present to or don't get matched with is someone else's baby that they are hoping and praying and waiting for! Continue praying for their birth mamas. Also? Give yourself grace. Just because you're not physically pregnant doesn't mean you aren't just as emotional. This is your baby. Feel the feels. Go there. They deserve it. Honor your baby during this time so you can tell them about it in the future, how you waited and longed for them gracefully, diligent in prayer and working every day to better yourself and prepare your heart for what was coming.
Mostly, don't lose sight of why you're doing this. Not for you, but for life. For a life that is so very wanted and has a beautiful purpose.
Your baby will be in your arms soon. Go on a few dates before then :) Rest in the comfort of knowing your God knows exactly when and where your baby is. And buckle up, because you have no idea what's coming. Oh, and please remember to keep Jesus first. Don't run to friends before kneeling before Him. He is the author of this story and wants you to seek him first.

p.s. We are still waiting on the approved home study that would be to use for sure three Mondays ago. Patience. Once we have it, we can send everything into agencies and officially be a waiting family! 

Our First Home Study Interview

Oh hey blog world. It's been awhile. Like, almost three years awhile. I needed a break from this space because it didn't feel like "me" anymore.

I've realized how much writing is an outlet for me and how it helps me sort through my thoughts. I need this for me. This blog became something I felt I was doing for other people or to "keep up", so I stopped. I'm in a much different place now, and I'm excited to start over. I toyed with starting a whole new blog or just revamping this one, and decided to stay here. This blog tells my story, and I don't want to lose that or forget it.

So here we are. This "adoption" thing we've always talked about doing is happening. Sometimes I stare at the wall and wonder how we got here. Wonder how our story will go. Mostly I think of our birth mom. Is she devastated to have to choose adoption? Is she relieved to choose adoption? It's weird not knowing. Not knowing her, not knowing her reason for choosing adoption, not knowing where she is, if she's even pregnant yet.

We had our first home study interview last night. I had worked myself up so far I was a complete ball of anxiety. I texted a friend who was grocery shopping and asked if I could come with just so I could get out of the house. Our nanny helped us get our house in tip top shape but I still was re arranging, dusting, sorting, rearranging more. It's not that I thought she would care what our house looked like, it's that I didn't know what else to do. It isn't a test you can study for. We are who we are, I'm not overly concerned with getting "failed" on our home study, but I was concerned about who would show up to our doorstep at 4pm. Her report is what will be sent with our profile to agencies across the country telling them who we are. I wanted someone who made us feel comfortable so we could be ourselves and really be able to share our hearts with her.

The Lord totally provided and she was just those things. Kind, gentle, compassionate, and very friendly. She asked us about our families, discipline, what we would hope for in a baby or birth mom and relationship with her, education, etc. A friend of mine wrote a post a year ago announcing their adoption and said she was so tired of talking about herself. I didn't get it then, I sure do now. I could be done talking about myself for a looooong time and be ok.

Maybe the hardest thing is I don't know how to put it into words. My heart longs for and yearns for a baby. My heart aches for a grieves for the birth mom/parents. It is a strange emotion to be excited for your family while simultaneously so sad for another. But, that is adoption. That is the sanctity of life. They love that child & believe in that life, that wanted life, so much that they place the baby with someone else to love and raise. I can't think of anything more brave.

Expect more rambling from me as we go through this. We have our 2nd home study interview on Monday, and then we get to choose which agencies we are applying to. Please be praying for discernment and direction with that decision. I want this all written because I want to remember it, I want to remember how I felt and what my prayers were. I also want to share this because I think adoption is beautiful and so needed, and it doesn't have to be scary. I want to share so that maybe you might decide it is right for your family. These babies are so worth it.

Our announcement photo: October 2016

My Weightloss Journey

Oh body image. Such an emotional topic. Let's cut to the chase and say that having a baby is the hardest thing my body has ever been through. I gained a LOT with my pregnancy, had a "surprise" c-section as the doctor called it, and didn't lose a single pound for the 6 months I was able to breastfeed.

I've been wearing baggy clothes and elastic waisted pants for TOO long. We took some pictures in October and November and I cringed at the sight of myself. My face is so round and my tummy is just icky. But I caught myself in the negative self talk and remembered something my dad always said growing up, "I don't want to hear you complaining if you're not doing anything to change the situation."

So, I decided to change the situation. I used to eat clean and felt so awesome doing it. I called my friend, Jenn, and ordered a 10-day cleanse to kick start clean eating. I lost a couple of pounds, but I wanted more. And I didn't want to work out. It's just not realistic for me except a walk every once in awhile.

I began taking 2 drops each of Young Living's lemon, peppermint, and grapefruit in a capsule every day. I wasn't very strict about it and usually forgot. I eat kind of clean at home, but we live at a camp & eat there a few times a week too. It's awesome that the cooks at camp usually provide whole, clean foods during meals so I TRY to choose those. I'll be honest though, all self control goes out the window when it comes to those darn gooey peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies. And au gratin potatoes. I just cant help myself. I mean, I DO help myself, to a hefty serving of them ;)

Well.. even with my abundance of cheat meals, I was consistently losing weight. I went on like 1 walk every 2 weeks and was kind of eating healthy. I didn't think about it until my friend, who has been eating REALLY healthy and not cheating at all said "I think it's those essential oils, otherwise how are you losing this much weight when you always eat the cookies?! I've been watching you!"

So I decided to do a test while I was in Georgia. I knew we'd be eating lots of treats and Zach's mom's super yummy cooking so I decided to just eat what was there and make sure to take my oil pill every single day. That way, I'd know if I lost weight it would HAVE to be from the oils. I weighed myself when I got home and guess what? 3 pounds. Gone.

You guys. This is not a "diet pill". They are 100% pure essential oils that come straight from nature. Nothing added. Nothing taken away. The only side effects are relief from being outside when the season change, and no more bloating/gas.

Here is a picture from last fall, and a picture my friend took last week. I know it's not a HUGE difference, but it's about 15 lbs, 2 pant sizes, and a whole lot of confidence gained. I could actually button my pre-Bennett jeans. They're low waisted and not cute on me anymore, but I could get them past my hips and buttoned! It just feels good.


**Please don't ingest just any essential oil! Lots are adulterated with other substances. Even other oil companies who claim to be "pure" are proven not to be. Do your research, be informed, and only ingest Young Living oils.

Advice for Traveling With a 9-12 Month Old

We've been blessed enough to have flown a lot in Bennett's little life! When he was a newborn, we took a trip to Seattle and then a trip to Georgia and both times I was SO nervous. I thought the world might actually end the night before our trip. Well.. here's a little secret. Traveling with a little baby is REALLY EASY! You put them in the Ergo, they sleep. You fly. They sleep. You feed them, they sleep. You don't need much with you, an extra burp rag or two and an extra outfit. And those nifty scented bags for the dirty diaper. But everyone helps you because your baby is so tiny and precious and they feel bad for you having to brave the airport alone.

Then we took a break from traveling (also known as summer when you work at a camp) and when it was time to fly again my baby was all grown up into a BIG baby! We flew when Bennett was 9 months, 10 months, and will have another trip tomorrow and he is 11 months! Flying is different when they're bigger so without further ado, I give you: Advice for flying with a big Baby!

1. Bring your husband if at all possible.
Just kidding. No but really, bring him. We've had Zach on three out of eight flights and oh, it's wonderful. It's so much easier to have a 2nd seat for the baby to spread out in, but also help with feeding and diaper changes! And carrying luggage..

2. Do not be afraid to ask for help!!!!!!
Going through security with a baby, stroller, diaper bag (that they have to sort through and swipe your bottles, etc), AND having to remove your shoes, is just NOT easy. Last time, I couldn't figure out how to get my Ergo back on and my shoes back on, and hold B (I didn't have a stroller that time) so I just looked at the TSA guy and said, "Can you hold him for me?". And he did! Made it a lot easier and probably brightened his day a little ;) Now, obviously don't do that if they're super busy or cranky looking. But there was no line and he was just standing there watching me. Also, I always look for someone who looks about my mom's age to sit next to in the terminal and airplane. Works like a charm. They totally want to hold your baby while you re-organize your bag or find your ticket and ID.

3. Wear your baby.
I tried pushing the baby and wearing the diaper bag, and the other way is just easier. If you are taking a stroller & carseat, put the diaper bag in the stroller and push it, and wear the baby. It's easier on your back and it is nice to have both of your hands free. I also feel safer having Bennett on me, like people are less likely to touch him. Please don't touch him, I don't know you or what kind of germies you're carrying around with you. I love our Ergo, and keep my ID, cell phone, and ticket in the zipper pocket on the front of it.

4. Pack light.
I typically check our luggage (thank you Southwest for free checked bags!) and just carry the diaper bag. When I was breastfeeding, it was especially easy. Now that we do bottles, I take 2-3 empty bottles, and a bottle of water to fill them. The little formula container that's pre-measured. An extra outfit for baby. A small thing of wipes, and enough diapers for a change every 2 hours (you just never know!). And a ziploc bag and a target bag. I bring Lysol wipes to wipe down the seat, tray table, etc. Chapstick and hand sanitizer for mama. A flannel receiving blanket to use as a burp cloth or blanket.

5. Sit in the window.
On one airline (Alaska or Delta, can't remember) you have to sit in the window seat because that's where the infant air masks are. Originally, I thought I would have chosen the aisle so I'd have more room. Well it turns out the window really is best. You have a wall to lean against instead of a person, which is great for napping. Also, if it's light out, your baby can look out the window! And if you breastfeed, you can totally cocoon into the window and no one even knows what you're doing. Win-win.

6. Rough schedule
Be easy going when you're traveling. Your baby's routine is going to be completely thrown off. I usually try to change Bennett's diaper RIGHT before boarding, so that if it's a 3 hour flight or less I won't have to change him in the airplane. Well.. unless he poops. Then I just pray it stays in the diaper until I can get outta the seat and into the itty bitty disgusting bathroom they expect you to be able to fit into with a wiggling child.  I feed him extra snacks in the morning to hopefully keep him full, and the bottles when he wants them. It hasn't worked out for him to eat as we take-off yet, but he takes a binky so he's fine. One really awesome thing about airplanes is that they're like giant white noise machines! Bennett typically takes REALLY good naps on the plane. I usually get everything settled, feed him, etc, and once we're up in the air I put him back into the ergo, give his binky, and rock back and forth or bounce in my seat until he settles down. Then we both sleep for a long, long time. It's the bomb.

7. Use the gate check option for your stroller/carseat.
The first time I flew, I gate checked my stroller and carseat. It was super easy and nice to have somewhere to put Bennett down in in the terminal. You just fold it up when you get down the tunnel, and then magically it's in that exact same place when you arrive at your destination. Cool, huh? Well the 2nd time I flew, I saw the lady in front of me checking hers at the ticket counter. So I asked the ticket agent and she said, "honestly, I don't recommend doing it this way. It just gets thrown around with the luggage and often times gets damaged." Then I thought about it, if you are supposed to replace carseats even in the tiniest of automobile accidents because of hairline fractures in the plastic, isn't this like way worse? So now we always gatecheck ours. Its safer, and it's nice to have through security. If you're flying alone and trying to get your stroller/carseat/shoes/diaper bag/carrier on the belt through security, please refer to point #2! :)

8. Dress you and baby in layers.
You never know if you're gonna be freezing or having hot flashes. Much easier if you can add or remove layers! Also, slip-on shoes make the security check much easier.

9. Take a deep breath!
You can do this! I have heard many stories of people being rude on planes, but I've never experienced it. People have generally been very helpful and kind! Take a deep breath, give yourself a mental peptalk, and enjoy your travels :) A happy mama = a happy baby!

Being in the Picture & a Photo Canvas

Have you guys seen the articles about moms being in the pictures more? I've been reading them since Bennett was born and I think it's really important! There are a few awesome one geared towards new moms, but this one is my favorite.

I did gain more weight than I'd have chosen during pregnancy, and since having Bennett I haven't prioritized getting back "in shape" (I say that loosely because I'm pretty sure I've never been in shape, haha!). All the mama blogs and articles have really helped me accept my post pregnancy, post c-section body. 

We had some newborn photos taken by my amazing friend Breanna, and this fall I REALLY wanted to get family photos done again! Bennett has changed so much this year and I love having family pictures up. We had our photos done just around the corner from the camp we work at :)

Signazon contacted me at the perfect time! They asked me to choose a product from their website, and I was originally going to choose some business tools for my essential oils team. Then I saw they had photo canvases! I've always wanted one :)

I love having the blown up family picture to look at! It was so easy to order and Signazon shipped it within 24 hours of placing my order. I am excited to print smaller pictures to put around it!

The Truth About Me

So lately I've been trying to get myself back in the blogging habit. I really miss it, writing is an amazing outlet and helps me to find my voice when I can't make sense of my thoughts. It's also brought forth some incredible friendships, which has been awesome.

I bought myself a pretty new blog design, I've made more of an effort to get posts up semi-frequently, and I've been trying to redo my "About Me" section. I need to redo all my pages at the top, because my life is not beauty-full or crafty anymore, but I want to focus on the About Me page. That's where I click first when I visit new blogs so I thought it needed an update.

The thing is, I can't quite figure out what to write. I've been a mom now for 11 months (tomorrow) and I'm finally coming out of a kind of newborn fog, turned busy summer, turned pouty fall because I felt so sorry for myself.

I'm finally feeling normal again but motherhood does something to you. It's very humbling but also eye-opening to reality. There is no hiding anything. It's the most real thing I've ever experienced.

In this very real time in my life, these are the things that come to mind when I try to think of what to write "about me":

• I usually forget to pay my credit card bill. It's a really (really) bad habit, and I have reminders set, see the emails, and still just forget. Luckily I don't put much money on it, otherwise it would get ugly fast. Anyways, I'm working on this. 
• I'm 25 years old and I still don't know what it's like to just be me. I envy people who are so comfortable in their own skin. I don't know if it stems from moving so much when I was growing up or just a lack of confidence, but I feel like I have to morph into someone else depending who I'm around. Be gentle and sweet around the meek type, be loud and funny around the boisterous type. I hate that. I'm seriously praying and working on it, and also on figuring out just who I am.
• I do not look cute very often. I'm a stay at home mom, and not one of the ones who wakes up before the baby, puts on new clothes, and a little bit of make up to freshen up. I wake up after my baby's been crying for long enough, brush my teeth with him in my arms, and usually wear the same ponytail and pajamas I slept in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. You better warn me before you stop by because I probably haven't put a bra on yet.
• I don't think I'm a very good friend. I really love having close friendships, I thrive off that intimacy. I just don't feel like I'm good at being that friend! Love me through it..
• I like to be surrounded by people. I love when my house is full of friends, family, acquaintances, etc.
• My house is ALWAYS messy. I don't get it. I promise I do pick up and clean. It's just a mess all.the.time.
• I'm soooo hard on myself. Like, in all aspects of life. It's hard for me to admit or accept when I am actually doing well at something. A few months ago, I started using Young Living Essential Oils, and subsequently became a distributor. I am having serious financial success with these, yet each month I think, "I'm probably done. Anyone who would want some EOs has already bought them, so this is the month that it ends." Well thank you friends, because this has yet to happen. As hard as it is for me to say, I'm doing really well with this! And honestly, the best part is, these oils are dramatically helping people and their families with their health! *pat myself on the back*
• I have learned more about LOVE in the last 11 months than in my entire life. I understand when people say "Jesus can never love you any more or any less than he does. He just loves you." I get it now. I get why my parents did so much for us. You just do. You just love them.
• I usually have good intentions. With my words, with my actions, whatever. I have good intentions. My biggest frustration is when people assume I have bad/mean intentions. I don't. 
• I'm really good at talking about things. Talk about them all the ding dong day. Doing them? Not so much. :)

And there ya go. I'll wait awhile before re-writing my About Me section so as not to scare anyone away :) Also, I went and paid my credit card before publishing this post. Phew.

Bennett's First Halloween!

Most people don't know this about my hunk of a husband, but he's actually a real live cowboy. He even has a degree in cowboy. Like for reals. 

Anyways, when I saw this little costume I just COULD NOT pass it up! I thought I would do something clever and/or creative but this little moo-cow just takes the cake :)

and he's off.. this baby is just not into sitting still anymore!!

Our October

This October was a whirlwind. It started off with a lovely visit with my inlaws, followed unexpectedly by saying goodbye to my adored grandpa, "papa", and ended with Zach and I making some big decisions and learning a lot about ourselves.

Bennett with his Nana! We love you Nana :)

my sweet punkin :)

Our sweet little family! (yes the sun was in our eyes)

Bennett was all tuckered out after having fun at Bates Nut Farm.

Our family! At the most delish restaurant - Point Loma Seafood 

I seriously love this face.

My grandpa had a heart attack so Bennett and I quick boarded a plane the next day so I could get up there to say goodbye. It was incredibly hard, incredibly emotional, and I really don't have the words to write about it yet. I LOVED my Papa, have some of my favorite memories with him. It really hasn't sunken in that he is gone. 

My beautiful grandparents. I rest in the peace of knowing they are both in heaven - with Jesus - and hopefully hand in hand with one another :)

Bennett thought that playing the piano was REALLY fun!

Z & I had some big decisions to make but decided to stay where we are and work on ourselves. We have made personal goals to better ourselves. Mine include getting outside each day, doing devotions each day, and not letting myself believe negative self-talk. So far I'm doing alright with them!

I also embarked on an oily business journey, which you can definitely expect to hear more about :)

Our September

September was a busy one! We've had lots of visits from family, which were wonderful. It was still really warm on the mountain, and even warmer in town.

Oh, and I went to ELLEN!! My lovely friend Julie invited me to go to the premiere with her, and it was amazing.

 

Front row!! Which wasn't as cool as we thought, since we were RIGHT next to the audience manager and producers, we weren't really on camera at all. And all the camera were right in front of us so we couldn't see Ellen for a lot of it, BUT that's totally ok because we were still there!!!

 

Thanks, Aunt Ellen for the 50" TVs!!

 

And this was the one time we were on screen. Julie's excited and my hair and make up look pretty good ;-)

 I love when Zach's parents visit! We get to spend lots of quality time at home, they play with Bennett so I can sleep in, my father in law does projects around our house (score!) and I get to chit chat with my wonderful mother in law. It's the best. This time we went to Carlsbad after church and walked along one of the beaches. It was so pretty!

 

My mama and aunt Mimi came to visit for a long weekend. It was so good to have them. So so so good. We went apple picking in Julian, walked around and bought fun gifts, and rode the zipline at camp! And, of course spent the majority of the time just playing with Bennett :)

 

 

And my cute fall wreath that's on our door :)

September was such a good month. Any time with family is my favorite time!!

[Bennett Clark] 9 months

Ahh 9 months old. This was a hard one for me. Maybe because its 3/4 the way to a year, maybe because 9 months just sounds BIG to me. I still feel like you're my newborn baby, and yet all the other babies around us are now smaller and newer than you. We've learned a lot together!

At your check-up you were 18.5 lbs and 29 inches (I think...). I lost the paper that tells us, but I know you were around 40th percentile for weight -- WOOHOO! -- and 60th for height, and 75th for head circumference. I knew you were smart ;)

Playing with the doctor's stool while we were waiting for him.

You eat A LOT, and chew on everything! You eat about half food and half formula now. Every bite you take you say "mmmm" which is adorable. Your favorites are apples, blue berries (which are sadly out of season and hard to find), avocado, and sweet potatoes. You still have not had any meat, simply because I can't do pureed meat and you don't have enough teef for shredded or ground meat yet.

chewing on the table at chick-fil-a

you ate two whole pickles without even wincing.

You drool a lot. Like a leaking faucet. You love your binky. And you're just as sweet as you can be. I love how happy you make people :)

The best thing ever happened this month, you started saying MAMA!!! I can't even describe how happy it makes me to hear you say it! Over and over again "mamamamamamamamamama" I just love it.

You are super strong and super fast. You love to look at us and then crawl away really fast while giggling. It's a-dor-a-ble. You also love to be held. When you want up, you crawl over to us, stand up, and start bouncing up and down. Also a-dor-a-ble.

You got your first haircut this month, and it turned out really cute! However, you didn't make it a very easy photo oppurtunity:

It's ok. I forgive you. Little man, it's an absolute joy to be your mama. I pray that you remain strong-willed, and use it to be an example to others. That you would grow up and love the Lord. You would cling to what's good. You would be strong, courageous, and kind. I love you Bennett baby. xoxoo, Mama
ps. please oh please, just SLEEP!!

[Bennett Clark] 8 Months

It breaks my heart how behind I've gotten with blogging! Each month I let other things stop me, like not having the right pictures uploaded or needing to laundry and dishes during naptime. Well, the laundry is a-washing and the dishes are a-soaking and I've got lots and lots of pictures to share! (oh blogging... you bring out the cheese in me.)

I have lists in my phone of all his little accomplishments from 4-6 months and then at 7 months I guess I just thought I'd remember. WRONG. So we'll start at 8 months and go from there.

Bennett.

You are the absolute sweetest. You light up the room when you smile. I've heard more than a handful of people tell me you should be in modeling. More than a handful of people say, "I usually don't like babies but I am so fond of him!" You truly are a little charmer. You are an easy-going, full of joy, cuddly, busy-body, always hungry, ultra ticklish little guy. You don't miss a beat, you're very observant like your mommy and daddy.

You LOVE to play with your kitties! They are so patient with you, too. You like to grab their tails and you think they're playing a game of keep away with you, but I think they're actually trying to wave you away. Regardless, you get the best belly laugh when you're playing with them!

We've come up with a way to corral you into the living room by moving the ottoman to block the way out, and we call it baby jail. You know. If someone isn't in jail with you you do.not. like it. It's pretty convenient though, and all your toys are in here! You are obsessed with stealing the remotes, cell phones, and papers off of the couch though. We have given you your own remote, but you're a smart little guy who knows that's not the one we are using :) Your favorite toy is a wooden spoon.

You are a  super fast, strong crawler, and love to be standing up (while holding on to someone or something). You can even walk along the couches, too! I cannot believe how big you are getting, and soo quickly. Just a few months ago we were celebrating that you grab something you were looking at, and now you are walking around the furniture. I love to watch you grow and develop but I miss your tiny sleepy snuggles!

You got your first two teeth this month! There is no better way to describe that process than H-E-L-L. When it was naptime, you would stand in your crib and scream for up to an hour before I would give up and just lay down with you so you would sleep. Same thing at night, you would cry and cry and cry and finally we'd bring you in our bed and let you sleep there. When I finally realized why my angel baby was acting this way, and got you some Advil in your system, it helped immensely! Then two little teefs popped out in the bottom of your mouth, and as if you weren't cute enough already, you got 10x cuter. Didn't even know that was possible.

Your daddy loves playing with you when he is home, and you LIGHT UP when he comes through the door! It's my favorite to watch!

We love you so much little man. Now please let us sleep at night?

xox, Mama

Refine my Heart

Sometimes I ask God to refine my heart, or to make me more like him. What does that even mean? It sounds like a simple prayer. Lately I've been learning that it isn't so simple. A few weeks ago I texted two friends that I felt like I was completely falling apart. One responded, "that's ok, sometimes you have to be broken in order to know how to put the pieces back together correctly" and the other responded, "because God wants us to be more like him and he has to break us to refine us. i wish the answer was easier and simpler." (yes, i have some pretty cool friends)

I do struggle with depression and I have this awful notion that I have to be "good enough." In lots of aspects of my life I don't feel good enough (I've written about this before). When I feel broken or sad or like a mess, my first instinct is to curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself. which usually helps nothing.

It's in these times that lies from Satan creep in. and it's in these times that I let them. I let myself believe them. and then it makes it worse. its an awful tornado of lies, belief, sadness, despair, and hopelessness. I know during these cycles the Holy Spirit tries to whisper to me, but with all the "noise" surrounding me, I don't hear it. When I fill my life with gossip, negativity, and fleshly desires, there is no room for the Holy Spirit to be heard. It's in these times that i need God most, that I tend to push him away most.

all these pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones make life difficult to deal with sometimes, especially since I tend to have depression anyways. My depression shows up in irritability and laziness for the most part. and then when I've been lazy for awhile, I start believing the lie of I'm not good enough again. If I were good enough, I'd get up off the couch and be a better mom, wife, friend, etc.

So what am I missing here? I'm missing the grace and forgiveness of Jesus, friends.  I googled, "what is grace" and google says: the free and unmerited favor of God. 
Free.
Unmerited.

Mind blowing, really, that Jesus offers us FREE, UNMERITED favor and we miss it, forget it, don't let it in. Let Him in. Back to my original point (sorry.. been awhile since I blogged, I'm long winded), I have been asking God to refine my heart. And he has been, because He is a God who answers prayers. This refining, though? It's painful. I'm learning a lot about myself that I don't particularly care for. I'm glad that my eyes are being opened to these things though, so I can change them. 

I'm going through a bible study called Stuck - which is amazing by the way - and this week's lesson is about being broken. In the video, she narrates the lesson while you watch a potter form clay on a wheel. It was in that instance that it clicked. In the bible, we are compared to clay so often but it just didn't click til then. I am asking God to refine me and make me new. In order to do that, he needs to break me down and put me back together correctly, JUST like a potter with clay. 

But what I need to remember, is that when I'm broken, I'm not STUCK laying in a heap of pieces. As I 
learn and grow, I'm being formed again, more like Christ, in his likeness. He is making me new, better, and in my mind I think "shinier and prettier".. but maybe that's just because I like glitter.

So as I pray these words, "Lord, refine me", I am learning more and more of what that really means, and also what it looks like. I might not be pretty in the meantime but I'm so excited for how he is so 
carefully molding me.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

 after you have suffered a little while, 

will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Home Organization

I had the pleasure of working with the Julie Minton of Simply Beautiful. My husband and I moved into our house when I was 8 months pregnant, and although our baby is now 7 months old, we just never took the time to fully move in. Julie came into our house and helped us make it our home. She was such a pleasure to work with, and really made the experience fun (never thought I would say that about cleaning and organizing!).

In our bedroom, we had unpacked boxes and piles of clothes that didn't fit, shoes, scarves, and belts spilling out of the closet, and a layer of dust covering all the clutter on our dressers.  In just a few hours, Julie had completely redone our closet, with only adding a couple of shoe racks and a basket for hats. It is now pleasing to look at rather than being a stressful to do list! She worked with what we had and created a nice reading nook in a corner of our bedroom that was previously full of boxes.

Downstairs was covered in a mess of mail, baby items, and unfinished projects.  Julie helped us to come up with better storage options to keep our things off the floor, a more aesthetic design for our bookshelves, and an awesome way to organize mail as it comes in. We were able to add a few decorative pieces because Julie used what we had for storage, my budget allowed for more fun items.

Not only was I left with a beautiful home, Julie was a joy to work with throughout. She was encouraging, supportive, never laughed at my horrible messes, and could tell when I was getting overwhelmed with everything. She took her time to make sure we were completely happy with the end results. She was very respectful of our (small) budget, and made sure we were able to accomplish everything we wanted to with the amount I gave her.

If you are looking for a little help with organization, decorating, rearranging, etc, I cannot recommend Julie enough! You won't be disappointed :)