I feel like I should have read more books, learned about boy things, had his nursery ready by now. What if he comes and I slip into post partum depression and all we do is cry? Or what if I get so overwhelmed that I give up on any scheduling and he turns out to be a spoiled baby who gets whatever he wants? What if I'm not good enough?
That last one is my biggest struggle. I've always struggled with not feeling "good enough". Not good enough to have friends when I moved in high school, not good enough to earn my dad's love, not good enough to find a husband, or not good enough to be a great employee. Now, high school is over, I'm almost done working, my dad and I have had some seriously huge changes in our relationship and I never doubt how much he loves & is proud of me, and you can all see how amazing of a husband I have.
But this whole becoming a parent thing, I can't grasp. I felt like I had so much time to prepare, research, read. Now I have just a little over a month left and wonder where this time has gone. I feel like I should have an idea of how I want to structure our days (of course that will be decided by the baby, but I want to have some sort of plan), I feel like I should have a routine ready. I've seen moms with night time routines starting from birth (I know Ashley has a good one), I see moms reading Godly parenting books (Alaina has shared a few), or how about a birth plan (this Ashley had an incredibly detailed one)!
I feel like going into this whole parenting thing blindly is the wrong way to do it. It's the most important thing I'll ever do, and I realize that. I don't want to fall behind, wish I had done something earlier, wish I had known more.
The funny thing is, the entire time I've been writing this post, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering "ask Me". I guess that's the most important lesson of all, huh? That a mom seeking after Jesus fully is all my baby will need. Maybe that's why I felt prompted to write this all out, so I could hear the Lord telling me to come to him, rather than wonder if I am allowed to take Xanax while pregnant so my mind can calm down.
In Jeremiah the Lord says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart." Looks like it is time for me to stop watching so much Parenthood and Revenge, and instead open up my Bible and journal and see what the Lord truly has to teach me.
Makes me so thankful that our sweet Jesus is always waiting for me, even when it takes me this long to realize He is all I need to raise this baby boy.
PS thank you to those of you who have been so willing to answer any and all of my questions I've panicked about recently! (Heather, Alaina, Melissa, Jana... thank you)