I feel like I should have read more books, learned about boy things, had his nursery ready by now. What if he comes and I slip into post partum depression and all we do is cry? Or what if I get so overwhelmed that I give up on any scheduling and he turns out to be a spoiled baby who gets whatever he wants? What if I'm not good enough?
That last one is my biggest struggle. I've always struggled with not feeling "good enough". Not good enough to have friends when I moved in high school, not good enough to earn my dad's love, not good enough to find a husband, or not good enough to be a great employee. Now, high school is over, I'm almost done working, my dad and I have had some seriously huge changes in our relationship and I never doubt how much he loves & is proud of me, and you can all see how amazing of a husband I have.
But this whole becoming a parent thing, I can't grasp. I felt like I had so much time to prepare, research, read. Now I have just a little over a month left and wonder where this time has gone. I feel like I should have an idea of how I want to structure our days (of course that will be decided by the baby, but I want to have some sort of plan), I feel like I should have a routine ready. I've seen moms with night time routines starting from birth (I know Ashley has a good one), I see moms reading Godly parenting books (Alaina has shared a few), or how about a birth plan (this Ashley had an incredibly detailed one)!
I feel like going into this whole parenting thing blindly is the wrong way to do it. It's the most important thing I'll ever do, and I realize that. I don't want to fall behind, wish I had done something earlier, wish I had known more.
The funny thing is, the entire time I've been writing this post, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering "ask Me". I guess that's the most important lesson of all, huh? That a mom seeking after Jesus fully is all my baby will need. Maybe that's why I felt prompted to write this all out, so I could hear the Lord telling me to come to him, rather than wonder if I am allowed to take Xanax while pregnant so my mind can calm down.
In Jeremiah the Lord says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart." Looks like it is time for me to stop watching so much Parenthood and Revenge, and instead open up my Bible and journal and see what the Lord truly has to teach me.
Makes me so thankful that our sweet Jesus is always waiting for me, even when it takes me this long to realize He is all I need to raise this baby boy.
PS thank you to those of you who have been so willing to answer any and all of my questions I've panicked about recently! (Heather, Alaina, Melissa, Jana... thank you)
7 comments:
you know i have always struggled with the not good enough too. especially in terms of my siblings. but remember you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, let Him strengthen you today Katie and I can't wait to meet Bennett!! i love how you were talking about how you can wait to see what he looks like that was so sweet
Oh Katie, Jesus is definitely all that we need when raising children. They are, after all, HIS children first and foremost! You will fail, you will succeed, you will be confused, you will see clearly...it is all in his hands my sweet friend! Love Bennett with the love of Christ, teach him to love God early! You are awesome, and I am so excited to get to be a part of your life while you become a parent for the first time. God is in every detail my friend. Rest in that promise!
Jana
Ohhh my gosh, Katie, just to let you know, none of this magically stops when you become a mom either! It is a constant guessing (and second guessing game) but that is the beauty of it. Learning along the way with your new little blessing. And I know it is easy for everyone else to day, but DO NOT spend these next few weeks worrying about what you have not gotten done or what might happen. Enjoy the excitement and love that is surrounding you and bask in daydreaming about how sweet Bennentt's little fingers and toes will be and how many million times a day you will kiss them!
You can do this and you WILL be good enough to be Bennett's mom because you were chosen just for him! xoxo
this is such a good post. I can imagine all the feelings that you are having and being really overwhelmed. BUT you are so right that God is going to give you what you need and you just need to seek him. You will be an amazing mom, because you are an amazing woman that loves God, loves your husband and will seek Him first. I'll be thinking of you lots these next weeks and will be so excited to hear the news of your sweet little boy!
the Lord will give you all the strength and peace you need for labor, motherhood, and beyond! You are going to be a great mom Katie, I can't wait to watch you love on bennett
I absolutely love this post. I'm 29 weeks right now and starting to get to that point where I realize that a baby really is coming and "what if I'm not a good mom." Such a blessing to know that the Lord is always there for us.
You will be a great Mom Katie. I have no doubts about that. I'm not a mom (yet), but from what I've been told, it's definitely a learning process. God will bless you, Zach and Bennett tremendously. Don't forget to keep him first in all that you do. All things are possible with Him.
Love you friend. Can't wait to meet the little guy!
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